Why I'm Really Moving to Nashville.... IN THREE WEEKS!!!

I wasn't going to take a trip before the move, but an opportunity came up, and since I was free, I took it. Once again, being here proved more reasons as to why I am moving. It's already home.

I don't want to go into as much detail as I did in the last blog. Because I really could. I'm currently at the Barista Parlor Golden Sound and will be heading out of here soon. So I'll avoid taking five hours to write this.

I'll be honest, I haven't had a lot of time to process everything I experienced on this final visit. But what I do know for sure is that I am so grateful to still be in the south! There's just something about being in another part of the south that is humbling. Sometimes we take "Southern Hospitality" for granted. It's the normal thing to do. I'm not sure what I'm trying to say because I'm having a difficult time finding the words to say. Just know that I appreciate the south far more than I do here, rather than being at home.

I did A LOT of driving this weekend. I did not use a GPS because... well... how else am I going to learn these streets if I don't get lost? At one point, I was headed to one side of the city to the other... using back roads? I was using the skyline as my guide. But the thing is, I couldn't see the city for a while. Somehow I ended up further away from the city than I already was. BUT I MADE IT WITHOUT A GPS!! And I am quite happy about that. 

On Friday night, I went to Belmont University to see my fellow Carrolltonian, Ben Poss, act in the musical, '9 to 5'. I am not exaggerating when I say that this was one of THE BEST musicals I have ever witnessed. The choreography was PERFECT, the vocalists were INCREDIBLE, and the acting was BEAUTIFUL!! Whether I have a friend in a show or not, I will be seeing more shows there because I was BLOWN AWAY! So Ben, if you're reading this, I love you and I am so so so so proud of you!

I did the most driving on Saturday. *see above haha* I had plans to go to the Tin Pan South song writing festival that Brynn Elliott was a part of. It didn't start until 9:30pm, so I had five hours to kill. I didn't want to take a nap because I knew it would be hard for me to get up, as well as, go to sleep later. But I was feeling very hungry. I started to drive out and was going to run into somewhere local. Then I remembered that a friend kept telling me to go try the Loveless Cafe. 

The wait time was 35 minutes for one person.. I was okay with this because from what I heard, the wait time would be long, and I still had to kill time. I walked around outside and then came back in to sit until my pager went off. While I was inside, there was a couple sitting across from me. They were talking about the old door that was in that room. I asked, "Are y'all from here?" He said, "I am but I took her from Wichita, Kansas, 44 years ago." We chatted for a minute about the area and I told them I'll be moving up here. My pager went off and the hostess took me to a four top. Before I sat down, I thought, I don't want to waste a large table when there are plenty of other people waiting. I told the hostess to wait just a moment. I went back out to the lobby and asked the couple, "I'm here by myself, would y'all like to join me for dinner?" They were extremely honored and even paid for the bill. Their names were Erna and John and I will never forget them. It was such a random and humbling experience.

The songwriter's show was so special to me. Not only because Brynn was a part of it, but because I got to witness such amazing talent on stage with her. I love how music is just so transparent here. It makes me love being in this city even more.

I was able to spend Sunday with Ian. We went to church and then drove out to grab lunch in East Nashville. He had a meeting in the area at 4:30pm, so instead of him driving me back to Brentwood and coming back there, I waited in the Five Points area. He came back and then we sat at a park in Brentwood. It was such a fun time getting to talk and hang out.

As I said, I still haven't really processed everything that happened. But I know that Nashville is changing me. It's bringing people into my life that I will never be able to forget. It's showing me how to rely on my faith and not my own understandings. It's showing me patience, hope, and grace. It's showing me how to be independent. It's showing me how to love people. And most importantly, it's showing me why God is greater than anything.

"Jesus replied, "You do not realize what I am doing but later you will understand." 

-JOHN 13:7-

SLEEPTALKRE; PEP TALK: EP REVIEW

My friends, Caroline and Greg have released a new EP under a new band name, Sleeptakre (aka The Queen and King). It is absolutely amazing! Quick backstory: I've never been into the electronic pop sound. However Caroline and Greg have gorgeous harmonies, deep and thoughtful lyrics, and such a talent for music that is INCREDIBLE! I definitely broadened my music taste after listening to their 'Cavities' EP. The 'Pep Talk' EP has taken their passion for music even further and I couldn't be more proud!

*As with any album review I do, I will write how I relate to these songs. The beauty of music is how many different stories come out of it!*

FRACTIONS: When I first heard this song, it was released under TQK. I fell in love with it, so I'm glad it's on this EP as well! To me, this song is about trying to meet someone in the middle. I sense that it's about someone who screwed up but you've forgiven them yet they still continue to repeatedly make mistakes.

-It's such a great dance song!

MUSCLE MEMORY: This one is my favorite on the EP! It hits me pretty deep. I feel like it's about that one person you cannot get out of your mind. No matter how hard you try, the memories won't leave you and you're constantly missing them. You're always going to be reminded of that person, regardless of the distance. To be honest, it kinda sucks. Especially when you don't know how they feel. But you keep holding onto the hope that something will happen. 

-The beat is siiiiiiick. I just love how it all kinda has an emotional vibe. If you haven't checked out the video for it, prepare for more feels: 

https://youtu.be/ODgwvVGXTt0

DOUBT MYSELF: This is a song we all need. It's important and encouraging. We all go through doubts and imperfections. We all struggle with anxiety, in our own way. We tend to search for approval in people. We hold expectations to things we know we shouldn't. We're not perfect and have insecurities. But with all this said, it takes time to move on and to change and to be able to love ourselves. We are all strong because we have experienced whatever chaos life has thrown at us. YOU ARE ENOUGH!!

-I love the rap vibe to this. And for Black Prez to be featured in this track makes me really happy!

OVER AND OVER: I can relate to this song a little too much, right now. When you find someone who never leaves your mind, it can be easy to overthink things. Sometimes we're too afraid to tell that person how we feel because we fear rejection or that they won't feel the same. We continue to be alone in our thoughts about them. I love the lyric, "begin again." It's like, move on and find someone else you're able to talk to about EVERYTHING. Or for me, I'm taking it as, move on so I can focus on my faith.

-I really love the drums in this one! 

Overall, I am highly impressed with this EP! It's a darker sound than what I'm use to from them, but it's still so so so good! I can tell that so much passion and hardworking talent went into these songs. It will definitely be an EP that will be overplayed!

 

PURCHASE OR STREAM PEP TALK

iTunes: http://apple.co/2mmoJC2

Spotify: http://spoti.fi/2mUlLBh

Clarity in the Nashville Life

I know what you're thinking... You were just in Nashville last weekend. Why are you back? I cannot stay away from this place. It's already home to me. Leaving it wrecks my heart to pieces.

The drive back home last Sunday was extremely depressing yet relaxing. The rain was calming and I listened to love songs as well as Phil Wickham's album, Cannons. When I got home, I did NOT want to get out of my car. I sat there wrestling to turn back around. The only reason why I got out, was because I received a text from Sheryl, letting me know that the family was meeting for dinner. I went out to dinner but didn't feel right being there. Don't get me wrong, I love my family and I am learning to love them more. I realized that Carrollton is no longer home to me. I excused myself and went home to cry.

This past week has been very hard. There were a few rough days at work and I was on the verge of quitting and moving. I mean, what's holding me back from moving anyway? Finances? No I'm okay. Family? I love them and can call them anytime I want. February and March are kind of busy months for me, but only on the weekends. I can easily drive back. God's plan for me in Nashville unfolds every time I come up here. Leaving his plan is like a punch in the gut. Maybe the timing isn't right? I really don't have any idea. I just know this week has been incredibly emotional and that I had to be back here.

"Don't make a permanent decision based on a temporary emotion." I love this quote. It always hit deep. However I don't think this longing and pain is an emotional thing. My passion for Nashville has grown so heavy and it only continues to grow stronger. I have been seeking clarity in my prayers with God. I know his timing is far more greater than mine. So I ask for you to pray along with me as I make the right "move" in these next steps.

"For this reason, because I have heard of your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love toward all the saints, I do not cease to give thanks to you, remembering you in my prayers, that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory may give you the Spirit of wisdom and of revelation in the knowledge of him, having the eyes of your hearts enlightened, that you may know what is the hope to which he has called you, what are the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints."

*2 CORINTHIANS 1:15-18*

Hearts Go Crazy

This is simply a blog to update you on my heart condition and how today's appointment went. I don't want to go into a lot of details nor really make it sappy, but it's really just to inform everyone at once.

Here's a quick back story on my heart condition, for those of you who do not know: I was born with an enlarged aorta and a bicuspid valve. I had heart surgery at six months old. On June 26, 2008, I had surgery to replace the aorta and the valve. Due to "complications" I had to get a pacemaker implanted. The lower chamber of my heart never came back to normal, so the pacemaker helps keep both chambers in sync. In 2015, I was diagnosed with aortic stenosis (narrowing of the valve). I was also told that the pacemaker was nearing the end of its life and needed to be replaced within the next few years. There was also talk of surgery to replace the valve again, but I was never given a set time. I had an appointment scheduled for 2016 but due to insurance issues I had to cancel it (#thanksObama). So keep in mind, I haven't seen my cardiologist for well over a year.

Today's appointment went really well... Kind of.. I was excited and anxious going into it because I knew there would be potential talk of surgeries. The doctor said that the echo looks great. I'm healthy. I'm "normal". I'm not in any pain or feeling any different, when it comes to my heart. The aortic stenosis is still there but it'll never truly go away. Now, I was under the impression that this valve would last about fifteen years. Not necessarily. He said it depends on the patient. He compared it to a car.. Sometimes they last five years, sometimes they last thirty. THIS WAS GREAT NEWS!! I just have to do my best to stay physically healthy.

I went over to another room get my pacemaker checked. Apparently my pacemaker expired in May of 2016. WHAT THE HELL???? Yeah. I'm still alive. WOW. Basically I have been running on the backup battery of the pacemaker. Honestly it's kinda hard to explain. The technician was confused by it. I'm a half dead woman. Kidding. Essentially the top chamber has been in control. I'll be having a quick outpatient procedure, in a few weeks, to replace the pacemaker. Send good vibes, please. :)

Medical stuff is crazy. Life is crazy. I'm just thankful for God. I'm not really anxious about this procedure since it'll be simple and quick. Although, I am a little shocked at how I've been living for the past year. Dad said, "We weren't going to let you die." LOL

All jokes aside though, I tend to forget that I have a CHD. I try to not let it limit me. If you know me, you know I don't use it has an excuse not to do anything. If I make an excuse, I'm just being lazy.  I'm humbled by my CHD and it gives me a better understanding of what people with other medical diagnosis go through. However, when I am reminded of the realities of it, I'm slapped in the face with the importance of it. It's a little life shattering, but I will do my VERY best to stay on top of it. Please hold me accountable to this.

LOVE YOU, PEEPS!!

Reflecting Over 2016

I went into 2016 with "faith" as my focus word. As many days as I've had where I've felt like the progress I've made hasn't really gone anywhere, I know that I am not the same person I was a year ago because of my faith. I have learned more about myself this year, and will never stop learning who I am. 

"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for and the

conviction of things not seen." 

-Hebrews 11:1

I've never really taken the time to reflect on my years, in the past. But I feel as if this year was so incredibly life changing for me, I have to look back and just thank God for everything He did for me. I don't want to make this a really lengthly blog. I could go on and on about the details in everything that happened, but I'll try to spare your time.

I'm looking through my notes from this year. On 1/1/16, I wrote, "I am writing this down so I can look back on it in a year and perhaps be proud of myself. I need to search within myself to find the doors to the rooms I've locked where I hid things inside. I'm not expecting this year to be easy. It's going to be rough. All of this is easier said than done. But I want to see progress. In the past three months, my eyes have been opened to some incredible things. I don't want that to stop. I need to find real people I can trust. I need to hold onto the hope that things will get better, even though I should not expect that they will."

Isn't this amazing? I had hope for change and I still hold onto that same hope, especially since I have seen progress. I did connect with some amazing people. I'm constantly inspired by those people to "just keep swimming through this shitshow of life." I let go of holding expectations. I'm learning to not be in control. I am learning to love God so I can continue to love people. I unlocked some of the doors and will search those rooms to pull out the roots of what happened and figure out why. I am continuously seeing progress even if it doesn't seem like I'm getting anywhere. I am learning that God's timing is more important than my own. I am learning to love myself so I can be proud of who I truly am.

This year I was blessed by some amazing things. I was blessed by meeting some wonderful people. I was blessed with a car, surprisingly given to me by my parents. I was blessed with the power of music by attending shows (23 concerts to be exact). I was blessed with a church that I love. I was blessed with being able to take several road trips. I was blessed with the love of Nashville and found out the reasons why I'm being led to move there. I was blessed with the ability and realization that I really can love people.

I think my goals for 2017 are the same as 2016. I want to continue to pursue my faith. But I think my focus word for this year is, "listen". I need to listen to God's voice. I need to pray about where He is truly leading me. I have to talk about everything with Him, including myself, and those around me. I want to continue searching for who I am by getting to know Him.  

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you face trials of various kinds,

for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.

And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be

perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."

-James 1:2-4

Why I'm Planning to Move to Nashville

I wasn't emotional leaving Nashville today. I was only emotional about all the good that happened while I was there. When connecting with people, and sharing our stories, we find that in our differences, our stories are not the same, yet they are still the same.

Disclaimer: This blog is VERY long. It took five hours. I wrote it and went to go lay down and couldn't go to bed without proofreading and editing it. If you don't finish it, that's okay! But let me know if you do!

I had been wanting to go back to Nashville one more time, before this year ended. With God's timing, I reached out to Brey and we planned to meet on Saturday. I wanted to do touristy things while I was there, but didn't really want to do them alone. Morgan was only going to be there for a day and a half. So I asked a few people if they wanted to join me. Most of them said no, except one. During asking people, God was telling me I need to go alone. I ignored Him until I talked to Morgan about it. She was right, I have to go alone. God is going to show me something, I just know it. I booked a hotel for four nights without having any solid plans. I wanted God to show me where to go, who to connect with, and what I needed to do.

I wrote down a few addresses to homes to look at. I don't plan to move there until the summer of 2017, but I wanted to check out these areas first. When I told dad, he said, "I wish you were going up there for interviews. I'd be happier if you were in school here and starting your career. I'm worried about you." Parents, am I right? Well he wasn't completely wrong. My plan is to eventually go to school, but I'm not looking into that right now.

On Wednesday, I packed my car, went to a Christmas party with a few of my church's community groups, and left Carrollton the next morning, knowing that God was going to use me and change me this weekend. I did my best to leave all of my expectations behind and drove out there without much to do. God was in control and I wasn't going to interrupt that.

THURSDAY

I had to wake up at 6am to be on the road at 7am. Matt Wertz has an online merch store called the SnowGlobe Shop and he happened to be selling some items in person on the day I was headed up there. I took the back roads to avoid the majority of traffic on I-20 and I-75. I stopped in Chattanooga to get a coffee at Mean Mug. I didn't use a GPS, woot. I arrived at the Fruition Salon at 11:45a.

As I was leaving the salon, I stopped to think about getting my hair cut. I had been waiting for my friend to cut my hair, for a while. She moved to Nashville for cosmetology and the two times I went up there, she wasn't able to take appointments. So when I reached out to her before I left, she was heading back to Carrollton. Such terrible timing. So I asked the receptionist if there were any open appointments within the next few hours. I couldn't check into my hotel until 3p. I had so much time to kill. Sure enough, they had a cancellation at 12p, and the hairstylist/co-owner, Lauren, (who was suppose to do that person's hair) was on her way to the salon. So I got my hair cut. I gave her free range. It doesn't look much different, but it actually is. She also gave me some general lessons about how to take care of my new hair.

While sitting in the chair, I kinda got to know Lauren and she got to know me a bit. I had never been to a "real salon" before (I'll never go to a chain salon again). It was interesting. Lauren is from Chicago. She moved to Nashville with her husband, several years ago. She was incredibly sweet and was just a passionate person. I let her know a bit of my story. You know, the basics: I'm from Atlanta (obviously because no one knows where Carrollton is). Dad owns a restaurant. (She said there weren't many Italian restaurants in the area. I joked that I should convince dad to let me open one in Nash.) I have a niece. I love music. She asked me how I know Matt (Parachute, duh). We even got to talking about churches, because I overheard Matt talking about them. I asked her, "This is a broad question, but where are the good churches?" I told her a little about my church history and where I'm at with God. She recommended a few that I'll definitely be going to in the future.

She styled my hair and I walked out completely satisfied with it. Matt said that I killed two birds with one stone. HECK YEAH! WHY NOT? Since 12 South was the parallel street, I went to grab a few chicken tacos. I left the area and still had an hour to kill before I was able to check into the hotel. I booked a hotel near my favorite coffee shop. If any of you have read the previous blogs, you'll remember that I had my emotional breakdown in the parking lot of Dose. I was familiar with that area and wanted to be close to there. I went to Dose and just relaxed for an hour.

I checked into the hotel and got ready to go out to dinner. with Jesse. He is the friend I saw Christina Grimmie with. He lives in Murfreesboro and we met through Alex G. We enjoyed a good dinner with some good conversation. We made a run to Target so I could get a new face moisturizer, since I ran out that morning. We said our goodbyes and he went back home. It was a fun time!

Before going to bed, I wrote in my journal: There's still something inside of me trying to control and plan out this trip. I want to stay busy, but at the same time, I need to be alone with you." I went to bed still overthinking and stressing.

FRIDAY

I woke up at 4am. Don't ask me why. I just suck at sleeping on trips, especially in hotels. I stayed in bed until 7a or so and left to go sit at the Barista Parlor in Germantown. I started to listen to the audio from Heart Conference that I went to at KCP. I stopped when I realized I could hear myself laughing, which made me laugh obnoxiously, in a room that echoed. So I watched a Matt Chandler sermon (Our Story in Exodus; week one, if you'd like to check it out). "What would happen in your life [in 2017] if you really understood and believed that full surrender of Jesus Christ made you free?" That hit me. But I was also distracted by my own plans again. 

JOURNAL: You're not focused. You haven't prayed. How do you expect to even be moved on this trip when you're too preoccupied by other things? You've literally been up since 4am. You could've gone back to sleep but you let your mind wander into future expectations. Why? It's useless. Let God in, you stubborn, controlling asshole.

I was going to go visit the addresses I wrote down. I started to map them out and realized that it was going to take too much driving time from one place to the other. So I went to 12 South again to meet Jackie G.

She asked me how I was really doing. The past two times I came to see her, I was with people and never got too deep with her. So I let her know that I was struggling a bit. I've been going back and forth with the ideas of moving versus, is this really what God is telling me to do? She really encouraged me by reminding me that God places desires in our heart. They're His. I told her what dad said when I told him I was coming on this trip. She said, "those are words that set you up for failure." We talked about my plans to move here and a little bit of how God has moved her from place to place. She said, "You have my full support." It was really nice to know that I have another friend who will help me in my transition.

I was going to head out to the Factory at Franklin but got really irritated with traffic, so I decided to go to the Soda Parlor instead. From my Instagram: 

@olanrogers, the first time I came to Nashville, I went to the old location, forgetting that you were moving. So then I drove to your new location & the sign said you'd be open in October. Well I came back for some adventures in Nash in early November & you still weren't open. I suppose the third time is the charm because this O' Canada is freaking incredible. LOOOOOVED THAT PLACE!! Even bought a couple of shirts!

I went back to the hotel to wait for Morgan to get there. I was bored. I almost fell asleep. I was trying to figure out what to do. I needed to kill about six hours. I remembered Star Wars came out this weekend. I BOUGHT A TICKET ONLINE AND WENT ALONE!! I had an hour or two before the movie started. There is an Italian restaurant across the street from the hotel. Now, I don't eat any Italian food anywhere else but La Trattoria. Nothing compares. However, since I'm moving here, I won't have access to free Italian food. So I wanted to give it a try. The atmosphere was not welcoming. The food was expensive. The wait for one person was 45 minutes. I walked out. NOPE. 

I drove to the theater to see what food was in that area. I only had about 45 minutes until the movie started. I went to Jonathan's Bar. I just ordered a salad because it was quick and I wasn't that hungry. I was still incredibly sleepy. I didn't intend to drink anything on this trip, but I needed to wake up. The Fireball shot was bigger than I was use to. I drank it fairly quickly. The next thing I know, I feel like I'm going to pass out. But I walked out and I called my friend, Emily, just to make sure someone knew what was going on. I was able to get to the theater. Once I felt better, I realized I really didn't eat much that day. So I got some popcorn and raced to watch Rogue One. FYI, it was incredible. I was sobbing because the story was just so incredible. Y'all know I'm a huge Star Wars fan. GO SEE IT AND LET'S TALK ABOUT IT!!

I went to the hotel and talked to my friend Shelby until Morgan arrived. We stayed on the phone for about two hours just talking about life. I crashed as soon as Morgan got there. A year ago, we were in St. Louis with the #WTHIWSQUAD. This year, we were in Nashville.

SATURDAY

I had another rough night of sleep because my mind wouldn't shut off. So much was happening that day and I just couldn't stop [over]thinking about it all. We woke up and went to Crema Coffee (my new fave). Morgan and I talked about some deep stuff. I think that's where we realized how important we are to each other. I called Morgan my 'best friend' even though she was more of a super close friend. But that's where it was 100% confirmed that she is indeed my person.

We left to go get an Acai bowl at the Daily Juice Bar, around the corner. We met a couple who had lived in Nashville most of their lives. We talked about nature and wild animals that come in their yard. Typical things you see in the south. They were super sweet! When they left, I went on TimeHop to read some old obnoxious tweets of mine. LOLOLOL 

We went down to the Gulch to see what it was like. We took some great pictures in front of the angel wings. We walked around to see what shops were there. Then decided to head back to the hotel to get ready to go to Dose. As I was just about to pull out of the parking lot, a red car whips into the spot next us. The man looked terribly upset. I felt led to roll down my window. He began with, "I'm going to be very blunt with you." I was somehow intrigued. I was honestly humbled and saddened by his story. He apologized for having turrets. He had just been to a gas station where someone called the cops on him. He was from Chicago. He was staying in Nashville for the night but wasn't able to check into the hotel. He left Texas and was on his way to North Carolina for his father's funeral. He asked if I can spare anything for gas. Without hesitation, I pulled out a $20 bill. While trying to hold back tears, his face was filled with a smile. He also asked if I had something to eat. I usually carry a Clif bar around with me, but I ate it at the theater. I reached back into my wallet and gave him the $1 bills that I had. This man was crying. He said, "You've restored my faith in the south." I told him that there are assholes everywhere but I understand him and I wished him blessings. He drove off. Somehow, I was seriously connected to that man. Regardless of whether or not Jeremy's story was true (I like to believe that it was), if he ever reads this, I want him to know that he changed me. That was the first spirit led encounter I've ever had when lending a helping hand.

We headed back to the hotel. The closer the time came to the meeting, our excitement and anxiety to see Tyler and Brey were growing.

JOURNAL: Here I am, anxious to go meet with Tyler and Brey. My mind is racing with excitement. One year ago, my life was changed because of You. Tyler was a huge part of that. Please let me be real, let my heart be open, and my stories and conversations be authentic. I have no doubt that you'll be inside of that coffee shop, just like you were outside of it (referring to the emotional breakdown). Thank you for a year of Grace.

We ended up getting there 30 minutes early. I walked in and saw Cody Fry. I said, "This is really creepy, but I've seen Ben Rector like four times, and I think you're awesome. I love your album." I had a mini fangirl moment over Ben's guitarist. OOPS. I went back to the car to get all of the gifts that we brought. I was anxious. I couldn't stop watching the door. I've never really experienced this much anxiety, honestly. I asked Morgan, "Are you not as anxious as I am?" She said, "I am but I'm trying to distract myself." I wasn't helping. But as soon as they walked in, all of my nerves and anxiety were gone. 

To get a sense of the time with them, please watch this vlog before I go into some details that aren't really in here. You'll want to watch it. It's hilarious. Trust me. Grace (my car) even makes an appearance: https://youtu.be/NrVDh0H2QKY

These two people are just incredible. Honestly I don't have words to express how much their friendship and support means to me. And I know they feel the same. We laughed so much. I haven't been able to joke with anyone like that in a while. I mean, I'm hilarious, but only to myself. To hear Tyler call me hilarious was actually funny to me. We got to know each other on a deeper level. We got to really get to know Brey, with her personality of innocence and adorkable sense of humor. I whispered to Tyler that I think she's absolutely amazing and that if he doesn't marry her, I will. I think the best part of their relationship is how they're not only boyfriend and girlfriend, but they are best friends. It's been amazing watching their relationship grow over the past year. However neither one of them answered my question, "Who said 'I love you' first." 😉

Morgan and I shared parts of our stories that they didn't really know. I shared about my home life from years ago and some things I struggled with growing up. I shared about how much the Heart Conference helped me open wounds I covered up and a talked about a few of what those wounds were. I talked about how much I love KCP and how much more connected I am with my group. Morgan talked about her emotional story. There were parts that I didn't even know. We were all crying because she's just such a strong-willed person. I'm blessed to call her my best friend. 

Around 3:40p, Tyler looked at the time and said, "I'm actually meeting someone for a business meeting in a minute. His name is Ian. Y'all can meet him." Just as he said this, some young guy popped his head up from the table behind us. Tyler invited him to the head of our table. We sat around getting to know each other even more. Ian was very well put together. He was very mature for his age. He was also from Columbus, Georgia and was living in Nashville.... like wait what? That's 90 mins from me. How is it that we just got connected? What a small world. I kept telling Tyler that he needs to work with this guy on whatever business they propose. We all liked him. 

Tyler and Brey had an event they needed to go to, so they opened their gifts before heading out. They LOVED them! Apparently we know them so well that everything we gave was spot on! I gave Brey a mug with a picture of Atlanta, that she took. I gave her a pair of socks that say, "If you can read this, bring me some wine." She told us that she actually use to collect socks. We all looked at her like she was weird. We've all done weird things, right? While shopping for their gifts, I had asked what her favorite snack was, and got some dark chocolate almond bark with sea salt, along with the salted caramel almonds that  she said she's never tried. I gave her a frame that says, 'love strong, worry less, laugh often'. She said, "I need to take this everywhere I go." I gave Tyler the list mug (watch the video if you don't know what the list is. It fits him perfectly). I gave him a frame that says, 'happiness in the journey.' Pretty sure that one hit him hard because his reaction to it was sarcasm. Morgan gave them matching Nike jackets. She gave Brey some workout gear and a flannel. To which Tyler said, "I love girls in the Nashville look." She gave Tyler some shirts we all know he loves and the fedora that hides the man bun. We both got Tyler gift cards to Home Depot and look forward to the tables with benches he's going to build us. 😜 I think the best gift was the ornament I had made. I had no idea it was their favorite picture, let alone their first ornament. It was amazing to see how they reacted to that. 

The most humbling part about all of this was for them to be able to listen and respond. There was no judgement, but pure love for each other at that table. I'm actually crying right now writing this paragraph, for "things I learned this weekend" details that I'll write in later. But to know that they support us in everything we do and encourage us to "just keep swimming" through this "shitshow of life", is overwhelmingly emotional to me.

Leaving Dose, Morgan and I felt so inspired and refreshed. We tried to process everything that just happened. But it was hard because we had already kind of processed it all. I wouldn't have wanted to experience that day with anyone else but Morgan. And might I add, that I did not tell them I was bringing Morgan. She was another one of my gifts. They were so surprised to see her!

We went out to Germantown to have a deep dish Chicago style pizza. Sooooooo muuuuuch cheeeeese. I had the idea to go find Christmas lights. I didn't tell her what were were doing until we drove past the Opryland Resort to see an insane amount of traffic on the exit. I said, "NOPE! That won't be fun." I don't do standstill traffic very well. We ended up driving back to the hotel.

After I washed my face and was about to settle back into bed, Morgan said, "You'll never guess what I just found out." Morgan was suppose to leave after church on Sunday to see her nieces in a church performance. She got word that it wasn't at 6p, but at 11a and she needed to be there at 9a to sing. I was sad that she left but I know how important her nieces are to her. She told me that she started to turn around and come back but turned back around. She ended up having one of the best days with her family. Her nieces mean the world to her and she really inspires me to want to be there for Melissa (my niece). Tyler also inspired me to really love on Melissa, when I asked him about his nephew, Christian. 

Side story: Usually when I go to see Melissa, I only stay for a few minutes and leave. When I did that the other day, Jennifer asked me why I always leave her so suddenly. It really hit me hard and I ended up staying longer than anticipated. I helped her pee and it made me so proud to be her aunt. I'm going to continue to just love on her until I leave and every chance I have after that.

I thought about driving to Morgan's on Monday and drive home on Tuesday. I went back and forth with saying yes. But I didn't go because I have a lot to do here this week. I miss her omg.

SUNDAY

JOURNAL: WOW. It's been one year since my life was changed because of YOU!! I know I still struggle, but I want to try to set all of that aside today and just thank You for showing me grace. Thank You for showing me forgiveness. Thank You for continuing to write my story. I don't want to feel stressed today. I want to give You all the glory. It's been a year. An emotional year. A life changing year. A year of pursuing faith. I can't wrap my head around it. I don't even think I'm supposed to. Today is going to be an emotional day but I'm ready.

I was going to be hanging out with my friend, Jami all day, starting with church. I was going to head out to a coffee shop to sit for a while, around 8a, before church started at 9a. I walked outside to find snow........ on the ground..... on Grace..... I posted it on my snapstory (alishamarie1993). I'm an idiot. It's also funny: https://youtu.be/YmSlX4mh9Mo

The church is not your typical church. It was actually at the Cannary Ballroom (music venue). I'm not going to go into details about it, but I really loved it! Feel free to check out their website: http://www.ethoschurch.org

I was incredibly moved by the service. It was about the advent of love. We were in Psalm 2. Here are a few notes: "Love has this gravitational force that pulls you into places you'd never thought you'd be."//"Love sometimes has the power to pull you lower."//"In relationships with one another, have the same mindset and attitudes of Jesus Christ."//"The life of Jesus is an invitation."//"Things Jesus lost when He left heaven: He lost not of His divineness, but all of His privileges. He lost His sensory pleasures (taste, smell, touch of heaven)."Why would He let go of heaven? The answer is because of You."//"You can't see what God sees when He looks at you." I know that was more than a few notes, but they were so important.

We had a communion, and then a little more worship. They played 'Came to my Rescue' and I joyfully worshiped and let Him move me. I cried, a lot. I didn't want it to end. I haven't worshiped like that in so long. I missed it and realized how much I loved it! I use to sit in the front so I wouldn't see people turning around to look at me. I use to dance my heart heart out. This wasn't quite like that, but it was still pretty awesome.

Jami and I went to a restaurant called the Tavern. We had red. velvet. waffles. WHOA SO GOOD!! We talked about so much about everything. She's such an awesome person. She's another person who has really encouraged me to make this move. She actually packed up EVERYTHING and moved down here, several years ago. It wasn't easy for her but God walked her through it. She reminded me about how God gives us free will and that He will always be there, every step of the way. If I find out that I don't like Nash, I can move back. 

We went out to the Green Hills mall to kill time before the movie we were going to see. It was comical to walk into a store and pour myself a glass of champagne. Jami said, "You know this is the expensive mall when that lady's coat is probably made of real fur." I purchased some last minute gifts for my family and then we went to see La La Land. I was surprised to know how good it was. I recommend it!

Jami took me back to my car and I did not use a GPS to drive back to my hotel. I took a long bath, relaxed, and packed up a majority of my stuff. I also recorded this: https://youtu.be/pXBxUQJTbEk

MONDAY

I woke up to watch this encouraging vlog from Tyler: https://youtu.be/3XebUrfa2Rs. I've known that he takes Sunday's off for a while. I've wanted to do the same. I just haven't yet. I think that's something that's really important to do. Disconnect to reconnect.. To answer the purpose question, I think my purpose for the next week is to just be with my family and love them as much as I can. I think that's my purpose until I move.

I packed up my car, checked out of the hotel and went to Crema to sit for an hour. I had to wait for the Soda Parlor to open up at 11a to exchange shirt sizes.

JOURNAL: What a blessing this trip has been. I've learned so much about myself. I learned that I can love people. I learned that I am able. I'm not really emotional about leaving Nashville, but I'm emotional about all the good that has happened while I've been here. I'm moving here because I feel a sense of security within myself. I'm moving here because I feel so much more happiness with myself and just being in Tennessee. I'm moving here because I already have a little support system. I'm moving here because you've placed these passions and desires in my heart and I have yet to act on them.

I drove out of Nashville with a heavy heart of happiness and gratitude for the connections I made while I was there. When you drive for four hours, you have a lot of thoughts. And after sitting here for five hours, determined to finish this, with the thoughts still fresh on my mind, I'm still overwhelmed with emotions.

THINGS I LEARNED THIS WEEKEND

When I was talking with Morgan Sunday night, I realized that I can actually love people. I can actually connect with people. I've been so selfish and self-centered and close-minded to the world around me, I haven't stopped to even look at people and their needs. I now have a sense of love for so many people and half of them don't even know how I truly feel about them yet. If you're reading this, I trust you enough to share these experiences with you. This means I love you a lot and we can talk details later.

Dad, I love you more now than I ever have in 23 years. I'm currently learning life lessons you've been teaching me for a while. And I know you're worried and you wish that I was in a more secure state for myself, but this is God moving through me. I've never felt this before. I'd love your support and encouragement throughout this process. I don't know what it's like to be a parent but you and I both know what it's like to be unhappy. I don't want to look back on my life and regret the things I didn't do. I have to let God lead me through this and I want to be open with you about all of it as much as possible.

I took an hour detour to have a late lunch with my cousin, Shannon. We never got to know each other. We joked about how we only see each other twice a year and that's pretty much it. But I'm making it a point to try to visit her at least once a month. Family is a priority.

My goal this year was to make friends and to work on my faith. I've connected with so many people who have been brought to me because of our connection to faith. I will continue to move on to better and be love. Love God. Love people. 

"Our soul waits for the Lord; He is our hope and shield. For our heart is glad in Him because we trust in His Holy Name. Let Your steadfast love be upon us, O Lord, even as we hope in You."

*PSALM 33:22*

Update After Kinda Trusting

Getting fired was rated six out of ten of the most positive high points of my life. It's been one year and so much has happened. God has changed me more in the past week than over this whole year. To get a gist of how I reacted to getting fired, here's the blog I wrote about it: 

http://alishamarie1993.blogspot.com/2015/11/before-trust-111315.html

At the time, I was questioning whether or not to pursue a relationship with God. Two weeks later, I started working at Bella, where I met two of my dear friends. Those two friends are the ones who invited me to King's Chapel [in May]. Several weeks after working at Bella, I took the trip to St. Louis where God met me at Tyler Ward's show. The timing of those two months could not have been placed more perfectly. Throughout this past year, there have been ups and downs in my faith. But I've wanted to keep persevering. Without God in my life [now] I don't think I'd be as close with my family as I am. I wouldn't have the friends I look up to. I wouldn't be going to the church, that I'm starting to really love. I wouldn't have gone to Nashville or even traveled as much as I have. I'm still learning to know how to really trust Him completely. But I know through His timing and His forgiveness, I will love and trust Him with everything I have.  

Last weekend, I attended a two day conference that my church hosted. It was the "Heart Conference: Your Character, God's Story". There were so many points that hit me deep. Dr. Coffield started with a prayer saying, "If there are people who are comfortable, would you use this time to disrupt them? If there are people here who are disrupted, would you use this time to comfort them?" I've been so comfortable with being the God of my own life, knowing He is the one who needs to be in control. 

Throughout this conference, he talked about the difference in writing your own story versus having God write it with you. He also talked about the importance of community and sharing your story with people. He talked about how in order to move forward to a redemptive story, you have to look back before you'll be able to move forward. I think that's been the hardest part for me and the reason why I haven't been able to trust God. I still haven't grasped the concept of forgiveness because I'm holding onto the things of my past. On the first night, he gave us an assignment where we had to write the high and low points of our life. We then had to rate them from best to worst. This opened up so many emotions and things of my past I didn't realize I was still holding on to.

One of the best parts of the conference was being able to share our story timelines with the people at our table. It was the first time I actually opened up since being at KCP. When it was my turn, I said, "I'll try not to get emotional", but was already crying. The highest point of my life was when Melissa was being born. There are times where I get too busy with my own life and I'm reminded that I have someone who will really look up to me, in the future. She makes me want to be a better person. The lowest point of my life was when I lost my virginity. I knew it was wrong. I basically told God to screw himself and went my own way. Today, I am so thankful for His grace. 

After sharing our stories, we were given a minute to respond. My friend said that she thinks that the theme of my life has been full of bad things turned good. My pastor said it makes him feel protected. Another leader said that these are the type of people we need in this church. All of this really resonated with me and I felt so relieved, yet still a little convicted. The last thing we did at the conference was write down what we're going to do to commit to, in order to move our story forward. I listed: Pray, look back, & talk about it. Seek His word and wisdom. Set goals and make a plan.

On Sunday, I went to see Stevie Nicks with Sheryl (my sister). She's a huge Fleewood Mac fan. I was more excited to go with her than to see Stevie. On the way to the arena, we talked a lot. It was the first time we'd really talked in a while. We've never really been close. We're so much more alike than we care to admit. I'm grateful to have her. Overall, it was a great time seeing her in her element. I was just happy to be there for her.

On Wednesday, I left on my trip to Chattanooga to see NEEDTOBREATHE, Mat Kearney, Parachute, & Welshley Arms. It was such a fun weekend with new friends, a great concert, an extra trip to Nashville (on Friday), and a ton of coffee. In Nashville, we were able to see Jackie G again and talk for a while about life and random things. After that, Morgan and I sat down in Dose (the place where I had my emotional breakdown when I left last time). I brought my Bible and we read a few verses. I was a little anxious to even go there because I knew I'd get emotional again. However the emotions I felt were not filled with regret, but I felt so much hope. I wanted to get some sort of confirmation from God to let me know if He's really leading me to Nashville. I want to say yes, because my heart is already there. But I'm not 100% sure yet. That is one reason why I am seeking out His word and wisdom and setting goals. 

On the way home from Chattanooga, I had to pull over on the side of the interstate in Cartersville (45 minutes away from Atlanta). Before going on this trip, I got my tires rotated and was told that there was a leak in my axle. Dad said that I should be okay and to get it checked out after I got back. I was just about to pull over from the left lane to stop on the next exit for a pit stop. There was a loud POP and it sounded like I had a flat. I pulled over and my friend got out to tell me the back of my car was smoking. We tossed out everything in case it on caught fire. I called AAA to have a tow truck take my car all the way to Carrollton. Luckily, my aunt lives about 30 minutes away from where we were. She came to pick us up and dad met us in Atlanta. Through all of this, I remained calm. This is the second detour on a road trip where God has said, "I'm going to get you home safely but my way, not yours." It was another realization of, "Holy crap, God really does have this."

In this past year, God has taught me forgiveness and that it's okay to take risks. In this past week, I've realized that family is very important. I've realized that God is in control. It's amazing how a bad thing, such as getting fired, can bring so many positive future impacts to your life. I've changed so much because of God. I'm nowhere near where I want to be, but I'm right where God needs me to be.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord, and turn away from evil. It will be healing in your flesh and refreshment from your bones."

Proverbs 3:5-7

Struggles

"Why do you bottle things, honey? Just cry and let it out. Just start writing and empty your heart and mind on the papers. You know how good that makes you feel."

-The words of a good friend, a few weeks ago.

Well here I am with a new blog, after months of holding so much in. I'm going to try to make myself feel better by writing it out. I know I could talk to God and let it go, but that's hard for me to do. I haven't really talked to Him in a while. I'll just make this an "update blog".

At the end of August, I was able to go on a last minute trip to Nashville. The timing was absolutely perfect because I had been wanting to visit, for a while. A friend invited me to see Ben Rector. Other than the show, I didn't plan anything. I asked God to lead me and to show me what He had in store. I had been struggling with holding expectations of things and being disappointed when it didn't really go my way. So it was kind of weird to not be in control.

On the drive up, I was listening to Lindsey Stirling's new album, 'Brave Enough' (I listened to this the most while I was on the trip. So when I listen to it now, I think about it). I stopped at Lookout Mountain in Chattanooga. After that, I walked downtown for lunch then I continued on my way. It was a great drive. When I got to Nashville I felt so at peace. Something inside of me felt so incredibly comfortable. I should tell you, that I visited Broadway Street on the way to St. Louis, last December. I was always drawn to the city, even though Broadway is really shitty and too touristy. I just did not feel like a tourist when I arrived. I felt like I really belonged there. So I went into the Frothy Monkey in downtown, enjoyed a lavender latte (weird right? It was.) and rested before making my way to my friend's house in Brentwood.

I woke up extremely early on Saturday. There was so much to explore and I was really excited! I still didn't really have a solid plan. So I drove to Dose to have a breakfast bagel and fell in love with their vanilla bean latte. After that, I went to Broadway Street to try to film a video on the Pedestrian Bridge and get souvenirs. I never recorded anything because I didn't feel inspired. I also felt like people were judging me by saying, "Oh look, another broke musician in Nashville." I just felt really uncomfortable and left.

An hour or so later, I met my friend at the Factory at Franklin where I tried my first [delicious] Açaí bowl. We walked around, and then drove down to 12th Ave South to see Jackie G. It was so good to see her. If you don't know who Jackie is, please get to know her and what's she's doing in her ministry. She's an incredible woman, an inspiration to me, and someone I'm able to call a friend. https://www.patreon.com/JackieGTV

After meeting with Jackie, my friend and I walked around the park, and then made our way to the amphitheater to see Ben. Instead of boring you with emotional, yet incredible concert details, I'll just leave this link here: https://www.instagram.com/p/BJpAwJYDGH6

On Sunday, we woke up and went to the Barista Parlor to have a biscuit and a latte before church. "Being intentioned for ministry is nothing without being positioned for ministry." When the service was over, there was a dry erase board that said, "Reclaiming a life without", I wrote 'expectations'. After church, we drove back to Brentwood, I packed my stuff, and went to have lunch with a musician/Internet friend, Caroline and her girlfriend. We talked about life, family, a bit of politics, music, and memories. It was a great time.

When I left lunch, I realized that I still hadn't recorded a video like I wanted to. So I went to the Bicentennial Park and filmed. It turned out bad, but I was inspired and uploaded it anyway. I knew I had to go, so I went back to Dose and got [my first iced] vanilla bean latte. As soon as I walked out the door, I was crying. Just thinking about it now, makes me emotional. I was hysterically crying. Honestly, I really didn't think I'd get so attached to this place, but I did and had to force myself to leave.

You see, these tears were actually tears of regret. In between June and July, the coffee shop I was working at closed, and though I had signed another year onto my lease, I was able to opt out of it. Even though I was unemployed, and had a month to move out, I was going to take the $200 I had and move to Nashville with it. Since that wasn't very wise, dad talked me out of it, and I was able to opt back in to staying another year before the official deadline and plan to move there next July. That emotional breakdown in Nashville, was me realizing that I should have risked everything, and was God's way of saying, "It's okay that you didn't move but you have to take the next leap of faith that I put in front of you."

To continue on with my struggle of expectations, the only real expectation I had while on the trip, was to get home alright. After coming out of Chattanooga and into Georgia, traffic was backed up. I got off on the exit to get to Summerville, and felt like my GPS could lead me home from there. I didn't turn where I needed to and ended up in the middle of nowhere with no service somewhere on HWY 100. I figured if I keep going south, I'll get somewhere close. Sure enough, I ended up going straight through Rome. I was familiar with Rome, since Marybeth (my stepmom) is from there. I knew God was telling me that I can't expect anything on my own.

Now, I know I just went into a long detailed story about my Nashville trip that could be its own blog. But I was thinking about it and realized that the trip really plays a significant part of my life. But even since the trip, I still haven't "figured it out yet". I mean has anyone my age really figured it out? I just wish I had taken the risk and moved when I had the chance. It really discourages me that I didn't. It makes me think that I won't ever be able to take a leap of faith when the time comes. I know the enemy is filling my head with those thoughts. It's just hard to let it all go.

Last month, I got a new tattoo. A tattoo I had been wanting since last December. I started to write a blog about it on the day I got it. However, I never got past this: "There's a story behind this tattoo. I wouldn't get a one that doesn't have a significant meaning to my life. However this particular tattoo represents a story that is still being written. It represents my testimony. It represents a powerful feeling of relief. This tattoo represents the freedom Jesus. shed on the Cross." While I was writing it seemed forced and fake, so I decided not to continue it until I was ready.

On December 2nd, 2015, I experienced the power of forgiveness from someone I hurt. That person is Tyler Ward. I asked him to write out "forgiveness" because it seemed to be the theme of our lives, at the time. He spelled it wrong at first, and took nine months to rewrite it. 

In all honesty, I'm glad it took nine months. It gave me time to let go and forgive some people I needed to. It gave me time to forgive myself of things I've done in the past. Although I haven't completely forgiven myself, this tattoo is my reminder that I am forgiven because of Jesus. Whenever I do experience the complete freedom of forgiveness, my tattoo will tell a story of this past year where I started growing in my faith.

For the past month, I've been involved in a small community group with folks from my church. Tonight, a friend shared something she's been struggling with, that I've been able relate to for the past few months. When you question your faith, it's dangerous.

Something I've been struggling with, is wanting God. I need that desire to want Him. But I'll be honest, I really haven't been working towards getting to know Him. I've always known what to do, but I struggle with finding the steps to work on things. I struggle with finding and trusting people who will hold me 100% accountable. I struggle with opening up, especially in the wrong moments or with the wrong kind of people. I struggle with reading the Word. I struggle with writing in my journal that I use to take everywhere with me. I struggle with feeling the need to be accepted. Recently, I've started to look at my body and hating it. I was working out for a short time, but IO got bored with it and became lazy [again]. I've started seeking attention from a guy in my past that I need to let go of, but don't want to. I've been drinking again. I struggle with loneliness, which is why I go over to my parent's house every single day. And even though music is a huge part of my life, I've lost any and all inspiration to play. I've lost the inspiration to even write anything. I miss being as happy and confident as I once was. 

I know I just got really depressing in that last paragraph, but through all of these struggles, I know Jesus was sent here to save me so I wouldn't have to struggle through these things. But that's actually the part of forgiveness that I have yet to grasp a hold of. I have all of these reminders around me that I don't really remind myself of.

I just thought of the 'Desert Song' and I think that's where I'm going to end this blog. There are highs and lows. There are times where I'm going to feel like I'm worthless to my faith. And through these desert times, I have to know that God is here and that He is reason to remain faithful through everything. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZlgUUeQh0CQ

RIP Christina Grimmie

About a month ago I found out that my internet friend, Jesse, was coming to Atlanta for Christina Grimmie's show. I wanted to try to hang out with him while he was here but the timing of it wasn't going to work out. A few days later, he offered to buy my ticket and eventually our plans started to fall into place. I never really listened to her music. I knew she was a YouTuber and that she did several collabs with other artists that I follow. The day before the show, I surfed through her channel and wasn't really into it. But I was optimistic that after hearing her live, I would become a fan.

On Thursday, I met Jesse and we went to sit under a tree in Centennial Olympic Park. We talked about life, Alex G (who is who we met through), music, fires, dogs, traveling, and our excitement for the show. We went to grab food and headed over to the Vinyl [venue]. Jesse ended up locking his keys in his car and we waited for AAA to get there. The driver arrived minutes before the show started. He got his keys out and and we walked into the venue. We picked a spot in the back to stand. If you know me, you know I'm usually one of the first few at venues so I can get to a good spot. Since I didn't know these artists, I was just there to listen.

Christina was one of two opening for the headliner, Before You Exit. The first opener was a kid named Cade. He was talented. His lyrics were well written and his beats were pretty awesome. Before going into the venue, his father was standing outside waiting on his group of people to arrive. We talked for a minute. I congratulated him on his son fulfilling his dreams and he seemed very supportive.

When Christina came up to perform, we moved up a little closer. I was shocked at how much I really enjoyed her. Her range is incredible. She really engaged the audience and put on a damn good performance! I didn't take many photos but I did record her song, "Liar, Liar". She wrote it as a freshman in high school. It's about a boy who was cheating on his girlfriend with Christina. She mentioned that this was one of her most popular songs. I'm going to upload that tomorrow as part of my Sunday releases. (LINK: https://youtu.be/YF9KtbHWLCY) She mentioned she would be at her merch table after Before You Exit's set. We then moved near her table, so we can get there before a mob, after the show. 

Before You Exit put on a great set! They really engaged the crowd and had some good lyrics. However they were a little too "boy band" for me. They were really good but I've definitely outgrown the "Jo Bro" style bands. I tweeted, "Me and Jesse are in a sea of teenage girls screaming for your typical all star boy band." I still had fun dancing and listening. Christina came up to join them in singing a cover of 'Let It Go' by James Bay. Their harmonies were gorgeous!

After the show, Christina came out. We stood in line to wait our turn. Her guitarist (who I found out to be her brother) was standing next to us, and I said, "You were the guiartist, right? Great job!" He jokingly said, "You caught me!" He mentioned that he loved my Star Wars shirt and we talked about how Jesse was wearing a Star Wars hat but decided to insult me by changing into the Yankees hat. We approached Christina. I first shook her hand, formally. I would've gone in for a hug but I wanted to be sarcastic with it. She also mentioned loving my shirt. I let her know that I've heard of her but never listened to her. She said, "But you will now, right?" I said, "Yes, I'm going to go home and binge watch your channel. The only one I know is the 'How To Love' cover with Tyler Ward." She said, "Oh Tyler is my BAE! I haven't seen him in a while." I let her know that I would tell Tyler "hi". We took our pictures and then left the venue.

Friday night, I was settling into bed. My friend sent me a message with a news article [that was posted within the last thirty minutes] about a shooting that happened at the venue in Orlando they were all playing at. I was in shock. I didn't really want it to be true. The article didn't mention it was Christina who was shot. But I looked at Twitter and confirmed that she was indeed in critical condition. I denied it all, and went to sleep. I woke up with texts and tagged posts about her death. I didn't want to be tagged in anything. Somehow, before looking at my phone, I already knew and I didn't want to be bothered by any of it. I deleted all of my apps so I wouldn't get notifications from it. I needed time to process it and wasn't going to let it affect me at work.

Now that I've had a little time to think about it, I've been talking to God about it: 'Is it okay to cry about this? I didn't really know her. I've never been impacted by something like this. Am I suppose to be upset? I'm being selfish. Sure it's okay to cry. I just feel weird about this entire thing. Like I still can't believe it to be true. But it is.'

I didn't know anything about her. However, many of my other friends have followed her. Many of the other YouTubers I follow, have sent out their messages of love. Many of them were friends with her. I've learned a lot about who she was, in the last ten hours. My heart is at ease knowing that she loved Jesus. In the two minutes I shared with her personally, she was a kind person who loved people. Her passion shined throughout in her performance. I will keep my promise to her and binge watch her channel and will probably do so over and over. 

One of my first thoughts when reading this news was, 'This could have happened in Atlanta. The shooter could have been following them on this tour just to pick their spot.' I know this is a terrible thing to assume firsthand, but it really could've been anywhere for this to happen. And the fact that it happened the night after I interacted with her, makes it hit so much closer to home. 

My heart is with the fans from the venue, who witnessed this terrible tradegy. My heart is with my friends who have been listening to her since the beginning, or after. My heart is with the YouTubers I follow, who were also her friends. My heart is with her family, who supported and loved her endlessly. My heart is with her brother, Mark, who truly is the hero of all of this. And finally, my heart is with God, who she is currently in peace with.

Thank you to my friends who have reached out to me to see if I'm okay. I know I haven't responded to most of you. The truth is, I don't know if I'm okay or not. This past week was stressful for me personally. So I need to take the time to regain my focus on my faith. To anyone reading this, please hug the ones you love. If there's anything I've learned in the past six months, it's, remember to love and forgive to forget. 1 TIMOTHY 4:12