As I’m sitting here on my bed, listening to the “Yellow Boxes” EP from Tyler Ward, I’m ready to feel. I’m ready to let myself go. I have to go back to a third shift schedule anyway. So I drank a cappuccino a few hours ago and I think I’m finally ready. I’m not going to turn away from this until I do. My phone is on “do not disturb” mode, and I’m ready to be focused on why I’m the way I am.
I’m still on the “excitement high” from going to the Tyler show in Atlanta, then spontaneously road tripping to North Carolina to see Tyler again, and ending the weekend with seeing Parachute back in Atlanta. I have felt the utmost love from so many of my internet friends that I’ve never received from [what seems to be] anyone else. I’ve been overwhelmed with happiness that I don’t know what to do with. I haven’t stopped smiling and laughing from remembering conversations of this past weekend. Knowing that I was genuinely missed from the Tyler show in Nashville just made my heart happy. I wouldn’t trade any of these memories for the world.
Saturday morning we drove to NC. Morgan and I were almost to Sanjanaa’s house and we were crying because we are so effed up. But are we really? No, we’re not and we know that. But life sucks. Being an adult sucks, But it’s great at the same time. Weird, eh?
I’m going to cut to the chase and tell you that I don’t give a damn about anything, I haven’t cared for a long time. My faith is gone and I do NOT want it back. I was involved in church a few years ago and never really cared as much as everyone expected me to. I do believe there is a Creator of the Universe but I have to believe in myself too. Having faith is the last thing on my mind because I know I can always go back to it, I know God will always be there to forgive me for my wrongs, But I’m not ready to ask for his forgiveness [yet]. I want to live in this world on my own,
While speaking with Tyler the other night, he asked me if I had anyone I can completely trust. My answer started with, “I have several Internet friends I can talk to about anything.” He asks, “But do they really know you?” My reply, “no.” You see, People of the Internet, I hide everything inside, What you see is someone who hides behind her confident personality and humor. I literally take everything I go through and keep it hidden some place in the back of my mind, Maybe, hopefully, something will come out as this letter progresses.
When Alex G’s #ShareYourStory movement came out, I thought about sharing something deep. But I didn’t want to open up old scars. *here come the tears* I sent her the full story of my heart condition. I took the easy way out. I shared a “tragedy turned positive” story. But do you really want to know how I feel about my heart condition? I effing hate it. I hate that I’ve had some setbacks. I hate that I’m so lazy to the point of not exercising like my doctor said I should do (back in April 2015). I hate that I love food so much to not cut out sodium like he asked. It wears down the valve. I’m killing myself with every pretzel I eat. BUT I LOVE PRETZELS! I hate that I can’t do what I really want to do in life because I need a career that will support me financially so I can afford great health insurance for my next surgery(ies). That’s why I haven’t really gone back to school. I don’t have a passion for anything but music. Which leads into me telling you that I have a few debts and can’t go back to school or even get a car until I pay them. I have no money to pay them because I don’t save my money. I pay my two bills and make big splurges with the rest. But those splurges are mainly concerts. Music is what makes me happy and passionate.
Tyler’s theme of the tour was basically about moving on and letting go of whatever you’re addicted to or whatever has been holding you back. I’ve realized my two addictions are supporting musicians financially (even if I don’t have the money) and social media. Music is literally my life. If music didn’t exist, I would’ve killed myself a while ago. While sitting in silence, I have considered it but instantly told myself “you’re too awesome to leave this place”. About 85% of my friends are on social media. “I’ve got real friends so I’m never alone. But I’d rather be alone with the friends in my phone.” This is from a Vine and it’s how I live my life. I’m a very outgoing person and I love meeting people. However, I don’t have a vehicle and there’s rarely anyone available to hang out.
Back in December of 2014, I met Nick. I’d tell you how I met him, but it’s too funny to talk about for the mood I’m currently in. Nick had issues of his own but he was always there for me. I was able to talk to him about anything and he would listen. However he never really talked about his life with me, much. I let him know I was there for him whenever he needed me, then I’d continue babbling about whatever. We were just friends. We never touched each other in any other way. In the six months I knew him, there would be periods of times where he wouldn’t talk to me for days, even weeks. When he finally came back to me, he would never tell me how he REALLY was. The last time I heard from him was in May, right after my birthday. I think about him every day but I stopped trying to contact him. I do care about him and I will still always be here for him when he needs me. But then again, I refuse to keep a friend who won’t keep me around.
I don’t know who I’ll be sharing this with, so I’m about to get into the “sex talk”. So dad, or the guy I’m currently getting to know, if you’re reading this, PLEASE STOP!!!! I’m writing dots between this topic and the next.
I have never had a legit relationship. I’ve had “flings”. I hate the term, “boyfriend/girlfriend”. I hate labels. Let me just say, I hate dating in general. Most of the dudes I’ve been “in a relationship” with have been long distance and filled with empty promises. So I don’t ever count those. I can’t say I’ve ever been in love either. And I am okay with that now. I turned to online dating and meeting guys for dates that ended in having sex once and never seeing them again. I never have the intention of having sex with them, but it happens. I friend zone everyone because I don’t want to be in a relationship and I just want to get to know someone first before. But shit gets real when we’re alone.
I try not to think, “Well what’s wrong with me now since this guy didn't work out.” There’s nothing wrong with me. I’m just a lot to deal with. I have my own issues and I want a companion to talk to. If I go online now, it’s literally to look for a friend who might have potential and I delete the app. Yes, I am talking about Tinder… I’ve met some decent guys who are still friends and nothing more.
The last guy I was “with” was really cool. We both love the Beatles, we play guitar, and we have so many things in common. I went to his apartment and we listened to the Beatles on vinyl and had a few beers, I had already established that I did not want to be anything more than friends [with anyone]. He was the exact same page. Then the alcohol got to him… I was not drunk at all, but he had already drank a few before I got there. He ends up pressuring me into having sex with him. I was trying to stop him but he was one of those guys who like aggressive sex and I do not. He ended up getting me in the mood enough to have sex. Of course I wanted it, but I did not want to ruin our “friendship” that we had established.
I went back a few days later and the same exact thing happens… Twice in the same night, He’s already annoyed by my outgoing personality and I’m annoyed at several other things. Like, why the hell did we have sex (three times) when neither one of us wanted it in the first place? The next day, he takes me home and I get out of his car and immediately think to myself, “Well I’m never seeing him again.” A few hours later, he texts me with, “Hey, I can’t see you again. I never wanted a friend with benefits and I don’t want anyone to get hurt.” So he beat me to the punch, but at least we were on the same page.
I’m telling you these things to let it out. I still don’t know why I’m so effed up. But I do believe this is the start of something beautiful. I want to get back into writing because I need to. This is the first thing I’ve written in a very long time. I use to write long shit like this almost every day just because I loved writing. I would love to write a song, but I think blogging is a great place to start first. Thank you for reading.
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