Goodbye (10/9/15)

I can’t understand why this hurts. After six months of thinking you know someone, and then they cut you off completely. I’m referring to Nick. I found out through a mutual friend that he has a girlfriend. That’s fine, I’m happy for him. However to know this now and to not know why he didn’t tell me first, hurts. I just lost a friend for good. I just lost the trust of him forever. It’s not like I’ve heard from him in a while anyway. But not a day goes by that I don’t think about him. So I’m not gonna cry. I’m not gonna try to find out why he did this. I’m gonna let it go. No matter how bad it hurts, I need to let it go. I need to let him go.

Right after finding this out, I ran across something that said, “Does it really get better, or do we just get used to it?” In thinking about this, I’ve asked myself, “Have you really gotten over him?” We shared a bond of friendship. A true friendship that I haven’t had since me and my best friend from high school went our separate ways. Though now, after feeling the urge to send her my previous blog, I realized we never stopped being friends in the first place.

I can't stop thinking about him. Morgan said I need to stop thinking about him. She said if he didn't have the respect to tell me he had a girlfriend in the first place, what makes you think he would've been honest with you if things were to ever work out between you? Then she said she'd drive to Georgia again to whoop some ass. She's completely right.

You see, I put Nick in the friend zone for several reasons. He was married and going through a divorce after his wife cheated on him. I was there for him as a friend when he needed to talk about it. Though he rarely did. He chewed tobacco, which is an instant turn off. And he also had some major family drama that I didn't want in my life if we were to ever get involved. I didn't let myself feel for him. I wouldn't.

After knowing this, and trying not to think about it and failing, I've realized that I do have feelings for him. I've loved him but I've never been in love with him. He's a friend that I care deeply about. That's why it hurts. I don't have any idea where I'll be if he comes back into my life, but for now I have to accept the fact that he does not want anything to do with me. The last three months of him not being in my life has not changed. I lost a friend but I've gained a piece of myself in the process.