Honestly (11/21/15)

I discovered Tyler Ward around February of 2013 when I started playing guitar. I liked his covers but didn't really get to know his music until he released the 'Honestly' album. That's when I really became a supporter. This album is just so raw and there are some songs that cut deep. I only listened to it once when I first bought it. But it wasn't until a month later when this album would begin to help me get through some of the most difficult times of my life.

On 10/26/13, I went to the bar to order fried pickles. There was a guy standing near the bar area who had never tried fried pickles. I was like, “UH WHAT? You have to try them!” We ended up talking for three hours about random things from music, to baseball, to family, to everything else. He had a few beers and since I was still 20, I had a water. He ended up taking me home that night. As I was getting out of the car, he pulled me back and kissed me. I was so in shock, I said, “Well I’ll see you later.” I got out of the car and went inside. I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I’d never been kissed like that. It literally felt like something from the movies.

I kept having butterflies just thinking about him. We texted for a few days and I invited him over. I didn’t intend for anything to happen. But we never do when we invite someone over, do we? He left the next morning and I was left feeling incredibly happy. Until a few days went by and he didn’t really talk to me. I kept going to the bar trying to see if he was there and he would either be too busy with friends to talk to me or avoid me altogether. A few weeks went by and I was finally able to pull him away to talk. I was so confused and needed answers. He didn’t say much of anything. To him, it was a one night stand. To me, I lost my virginity. Though this was not just my virginity that was lost. It was the start of me giving up on my faith. I was ready to give up my purity and I figured the way to “spit in God’s face” was to lose the one thing I claimed my faith around. I wore my purity ring for a week after I had sex and when I took it off, so much weight was lifted off my shoulders. I knew I would be okay without God… Or so I thought.

A month or so later, I started to question my sexuality. I figured, well if it won’t work out with guys, I’ll try dating women. I only came out to a few of my closest friends (and now that I think about it, I remember telling Tyler). Some of them were supportive, some of them said it was just a phase. I met a girl online and we hit it off. She was very patient and supportive of me and did not push me into anything I didn’t want to do. We ended up dating for a month until she broke up with me. We really were better friends anyway. I don’t regret going through my gay experience. It definitely opened my eyes away from the conservative views I had of homosexuality. I completely support the LBGT community but I am definitely straight.

I went back to online dating and had a few one night stands. I was looking for love but always got guys who wanted hookups. In late April, I matched with TJ. We literally talked about EVERYTHING! We were both so open with each other and instantly connected. We agreed that it was best to be friends. He wasn’t looking for a relationship and I believe that the best way to start a relationship is to be friends first. He was also celibate so I did not need to worry about him pursuing me for sex. We talked on the phone for several days and hung out. That day was amazing! I thought I found my best friend. A few weeks later, I was turning 21 and I invited a few friends and my family to a Braves game. I wanted TJ to be there. We made plans the night before where he would meet me at my house, then we would drive to Atlanta with my family. I woke up and he never showed. While on the way to Atlanta with my family, he called and was really upset with himself that his alarm never went off. He met us in Atlanta instead. My dad didn’t really like him. He thought TJ was arrogant. He wasn’t wrong. We had a good time at the game. TJ went home and I celebrated the rest of my birthday with my friends.

Several days later, my feelings for TJ changed. I was falling for him. I fell hard. I didn’t even have to tell him because he was smart enough to see the obvious signs I was giving. Having put me in the friend zone, he did not feel the same. We continued talking for a little over a month. At the end of June, he spontaneously had to move to New York with his grandmother. I didn’t know what I was going to do without him. We didn’t talk for a few days while he made the trip to NY. When he finally got in touch with me, his entire attitude towards me changed. His main regret was not having sex with me before he left. I knew this was a red flag but I continued to try and make things work. A few days of no contact went by again. I sent him a few messages asking him if everything was okay (because I knew he was stressed about other things). He sent a long reply telling me how crazy and clingy I am and how I needed to get another life because we’re not together. He broke my heart.

As I’m thinking about it now, I don’t think I was really in love with TJ. I was infatuated with the idea of him. The one thing that helped me get over him was music. I even wrote an original about him called, ‘He Says’ where “he” is music. I blocked TJ’s number and on FaceBook and had the self-control not to contact him. It was hard but I was able to do it. I was only able to do it because I was still searching online for a way to get over him. But this time, I was actually looking for a hookup and kept getting potential relationships. But that was not was I was there for, so I turned them all down.

In December, I met Nick. If you’ve been keeping up with my journals, I’m not going to go into detail about him because you already know. Long story short, we became great friends for six months. He stopped talking to me and I found out that it’s because he has a girlfriend. That’s all I really know. I do still miss him but I know we were probably just situational friends.

I know this journal was supposed to be about why ‘Honestly’ means so much to me. But oddly enough, this album is my life. I’ve listened to it several times a week since 2013. ‘Beginning of a Bad Idea’ helped me through getting over the guy who took my virginity. ‘Slo Mo’ is for the girl I was vulnerable with. ‘Falling’ is for TJ. ‘Back to LA’ is for Nick. ‘Some Kind of Beautiful’ is for me because I’ve found confidence in who I am as a person. ‘If I’m Being Honest’ is for finding the friends I can trust 100%. ‘SOS’ has been me searching for God’s grace and forgiveness for the past two and a half months. ‘Honestly’ is my testimony of the past two years.

Purchase the album here: https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/honestly/id722446541

Before Trust (11/13/15)

I just watched the sermon, “Just Tell Me What to Do” from Judah Smith after being fired from my job. I’ve been stuck in this job for two years. But was I really stuck, or did I use it as an excuse to not find my true calling in life? Did I stay there because it was my source to my addiction of supporting musicians in their own work, financially? Why did I put up with rules I disagreed with, poor management, and crappy pay? I understand that no matter what job I have, there are going to be rules that I have to follow if I want to pay my rent. But the temporary changes they were putting into place, this time around, were changes that I just could not agree with.

Everything they did was experimental and every time a change would happen, they would change it back. It got confusing for the employees. Not to mention, I hated the job. I deeply dreaded coming to work. When people would ask, “What do you do?” I respond honestly and say, “I work in an answering service for funeral homes.” When they would ask what that is, I hated explaining it to people. Sure, I cared about the callers. But my personality is not made to sit behind a desk, talking to sad people. I am generally a happy person. I am very outgoing. I am a people person. I love to look at people and see the light in their eyes when they see my smile. It’s refreshing to see someone’s bad day turned into a great one, all because someone decided to smile and be nice. This job was all about your tone. If you were having a bad day, your callers knew it. I am not a believer in the saying, “fake it till you make it.” I hate faking things. I’m a very open book. If I’m having a bad day, I’ll let you know it. I had to hide my personality behind a fake name with a script and I couldn’t do it anymore.

I’ve had the plan to quit for well over a year. But changes kept happening, so I figured, well they need me. I was about to finish up Mary Poppins, in April, and was going to search for a new job when they offered the night shift position a third time. I took it because it was freedom from management and a set schedule. The raise wasn’t much, but it was a little more than I was getting. I was taking death calls all night while watching Grey’s Anatomy and listening to music. As long as we were taking the calls and completing the nightly tasks, (insert manager’s name here) didn’t care what we did.

I don’t want to get too much into detail as to why I was let go. I own up to what I did, and I won’t apologize for it. That may be dramatic of me, but every operator in that call center feels what I feel but won’t say anything about it. If it takes me writing this and having someone from there to read it and pass it along, then so be it. My honesty might just save someone else’s job. I kept my mouth shut for too long and I am finally letting go. That is why I’m writing this.

My sister dropped me off at work, I walked in, twenty minutes early, and sat in the break room. I was immediately invited into a meeting where I was terminated. I called my sister and she came back to get me. In talking with her, I was so happy. I felt so free. I was just talking to dad, last week, about how I’m going to look for two part time jobs and leave this company. He seemed disappointed and advised me not to. This is an entry level job into what he thinks I should do. This was just a job to put on my resume and I managed to stay in it for two years. What I keep trying to get him to understand is that I do not want an office job. Years ago, I wanted to go into hospital administration. However in growing and finding myself, I have found my passions and I know my personality is not set for that. I want to be involved in the music industry. I want to be around passionate, happy people. I’m not saying there aren’t passionate, happy people in offices, because there most certainly are. I would not be happy in an office.

For the past two months, I have looked at my life and I’ve started to reconnect with my faith. I have heard stories about letting go and moving on from addictions. Losing my job is a new test to my newfound faith. I have trust issues. I don’t know why, but they’re there. A very brief summary of the sermon I watched is: If you say to God, “Just tell me what to do.” He will reply with, “Trust me.” I decided to write this before I really started talking to Him. I’m calling this “Before Trust” and the next one will be “After Trust.” My thoughts in the past two hours have mainly been, maybe getting fired was just the push I needed, It was holding me back from getting to know God all over again. I’ve only been saying I’m going to and haven’t put forth much effort.  But this is where my faith is really tested. Am I going to trust Him? Or are the next two years going to be the exact repeat of the last two years? I’m ready to find out.

The Theme of Forgiveness (10/12/15)

I had to repost Tyler Ward's last IG post. Here's a bit of an update: After a year (probably longer) of not giving a crap about anything, I finally opened my Bible. I opened it to Psalms 27: "The Lord is my light & my salvation -Whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life -Of whom shall I be afraid?" After listening to Dara McClean's album, 'You Got My Attention', I realized that perhaps it is possible to be afraid of myself. After speaking with Tyler last week, he instantly forgave me on some things I said to him that were out of line. It touched my heart & I remembered, I could be forgiven of everything if I asked for it from God. It's been a week since we talked about my IDGAF situation and now I've become to care about where my life is heading. I have to change myself. I have to start forgiving again. I have to start loving myself. I have more of an open mind than I did before, so I will still disagree with much of what "religion" has to offer. It's a relationship with God that I let go of long ago. I'm ready to start working on it again. I would like your prayers & advice if I ever have any questions. The path I started to go down is not who I am. I hope you understand my heart.

Share Your Story EP Review (10/30/15)

Alex,

Words are going to be hard after listening to this EP. First, I have to say I am so proud of you and grateful that you were brave enough to put out this project. To those who submitted stories, YOU ARE AMAZING AND SO INSPIRING! Even if she didn’t pick your story to write, keep speaking up. People will listen. I will listen. I am so thankful that I got to witness these songs firsthand a month ago, in Atlanta. Despite your bad day, Alex, you put on a great show and tears were streaming down my face.

I had the pleasure of getting the demo album. So none of these songs are new to me, but at the same time they are. I’ve kinda been holding back really listening to the lyrics until the actual release so I can experience the feels at the same time everyone else does. THE FEELS WERE FELT! I was already sobbing by the end of the intro because I already knew they were coming so I went ahead and let them out. By the end of Charlotte, I was out of my bed, sobbing on the floor.

I understand these are people’s stories. After hearing Alex explain them, I am heartbroken as well as completely understanding of what these six people have experienced. However these are songs and they are interpreted differently by everyone. So I am going to go through them, letting you know my thoughts and the way I took each song in the moment.

Intro: Hearing these voices reassured me that it is okay to tell pieces of your life. I lost it when they realized who they are.

Charlotte: I feel like this entire song speaks for itself. SHARE YOUR FREAKING STORY, ALISHA!!! Even if I don’t feel like I have one, I do. There should be no excuse as to why I bottle up everything when I have a good handful of people who are willing to listen to what I have to say.

Muriel: At this point, I’m on the floor sobbing and crying out. When I saw Alex perform this  live, I took it as if God were singing it to me. Two years ago, I walked away from my relationship with Him. For the past month, that has been buried in my mind and I haven’t really worked on letting Him in. I did open my Bible for the first time in years to Psalm 27: "The Lord is my light & my salvation -Whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life -Of whom shall I be afraid?" I was going to start working on my relationship with Him but never really put forth the effort. That was just two weeks ago. I will say that this song meant a great deal to me, the other day. I found out why someone, I cared for, never said a proper goodbye and how much I miss him. But I am okay without him. Tonight, it was about God again. He was saying come back, I need you. This was definitely a reality check.

Ben: Through sobbing hysterically, this song sent a peace over me. God is the calm in the chaos. He is and always will be there when I need him. I feel like my main issue is that I don’t forgive. I mainly never forgive myself. I am learning to though.

Alena: Phew, what can I say about this one? It’s badass, that’s for sure. People want to knock mental health down and tell you to “man up”. What they don’t realize is that you are literally killing yourself softly when you hold everything inside. You don’t realize that you are, but it’s happening. This song just makes me want to let EVERYTHING out. I was telling myself to let it go. Let it out and cry. I did. I was angry one moment. I was happy the next. I was sad again. I felt everything in this one song. I have very few friends I can trust with everything that goes on in my screwed up mind. So I have to tell them how I feel.

Royston: Fortunately I have not experienced anyone too close to me pass away. So I couldn’t really feel anything for this song. So I just listened to the words and thought about Royston for a moment. Then I realized, I work in a company where I talk to people who are dealing with death in the present moment. I’m not gonna lie, I don’t like my job too much. But i realized that my attitude definitely affects how these families begin the stages of the grieving process. I play a big role in their lives for those few minutes.

Everything: This song is just a reminder to anyone that you are perfect in your imperfections. Despite the crap you deal with on a daily basis, you are who you are for a reason. The real friends who are there for you, know the real you. I’m always scared of change. I remain in denial so much that it scares me out of doing anything. My scars from my heart surgeries are reminders that I am strong. I have overcome something even if I’m not done fighting it. I don’t look at myself in the mirror confidently. The only confidence I have is in my personality. But I know once I accept everything about myself, I will know that God made me in His perfect image. In that, I will know that everything will be okay.

So those are my thoughts. I really appreciate you taking the time to read this.

Goodbye (10/9/15)

I can’t understand why this hurts. After six months of thinking you know someone, and then they cut you off completely. I’m referring to Nick. I found out through a mutual friend that he has a girlfriend. That’s fine, I’m happy for him. However to know this now and to not know why he didn’t tell me first, hurts. I just lost a friend for good. I just lost the trust of him forever. It’s not like I’ve heard from him in a while anyway. But not a day goes by that I don’t think about him. So I’m not gonna cry. I’m not gonna try to find out why he did this. I’m gonna let it go. No matter how bad it hurts, I need to let it go. I need to let him go.

Right after finding this out, I ran across something that said, “Does it really get better, or do we just get used to it?” In thinking about this, I’ve asked myself, “Have you really gotten over him?” We shared a bond of friendship. A true friendship that I haven’t had since me and my best friend from high school went our separate ways. Though now, after feeling the urge to send her my previous blog, I realized we never stopped being friends in the first place.

I can't stop thinking about him. Morgan said I need to stop thinking about him. She said if he didn't have the respect to tell me he had a girlfriend in the first place, what makes you think he would've been honest with you if things were to ever work out between you? Then she said she'd drive to Georgia again to whoop some ass. She's completely right.

You see, I put Nick in the friend zone for several reasons. He was married and going through a divorce after his wife cheated on him. I was there for him as a friend when he needed to talk about it. Though he rarely did. He chewed tobacco, which is an instant turn off. And he also had some major family drama that I didn't want in my life if we were to ever get involved. I didn't let myself feel for him. I wouldn't.

After knowing this, and trying not to think about it and failing, I've realized that I do have feelings for him. I've loved him but I've never been in love with him. He's a friend that I care deeply about. That's why it hurts. I don't have any idea where I'll be if he comes back into my life, but for now I have to accept the fact that he does not want anything to do with me. The last three months of him not being in my life has not changed. I lost a friend but I've gained a piece of myself in the process.

My Out of Order Mind (10/6/15)

    As I’m sitting here on my bed, listening to the “Yellow Boxes” EP from Tyler Ward, I’m ready to feel. I’m ready to let myself go. I have to go back to a third shift schedule anyway. So I drank a cappuccino a few hours ago and I think I’m finally ready. I’m not going to turn away from this until I do. My phone is on “do not disturb” mode, and I’m ready to be focused on why I’m the way I am.

    I’m still on the “excitement high” from going to the Tyler show in Atlanta, then spontaneously road tripping to North Carolina to see Tyler again, and ending the weekend with seeing Parachute back in Atlanta. I have felt the utmost love from so many of my internet friends that I’ve never received from [what seems to be] anyone else. I’ve been overwhelmed with happiness that I don’t know what to do with. I haven’t stopped smiling and laughing from remembering conversations of this past weekend. Knowing that I was genuinely missed from the Tyler show in Nashville just made my heart happy. I wouldn’t trade any of these memories for the world.

    Saturday morning we drove to NC. Morgan and I were almost to Sanjanaa’s house and we were crying because we are so effed up. But are we really? No, we’re not and we know that. But life sucks. Being an adult sucks, But it’s great at the same time. Weird, eh?
I’m going to cut to the chase and tell you that I don’t give a damn about anything, I haven’t cared for a long time. My faith is gone and I do NOT want it back. I was involved in church a few years ago and never really cared as much as everyone expected me to. I do believe there is a Creator of the Universe but I have to believe in myself too. Having faith is the last thing on my mind because I know I can always go back to it, I know God will always be there to forgive me for my wrongs, But I’m not ready to ask for his forgiveness [yet]. I want to live in this world on my own,

    While speaking with Tyler the other night, he asked me if I had anyone I can completely trust. My answer started with, “I have several Internet friends I can talk to about anything.” He asks, “But do they really know you?” My reply, “no.” You see, People of the Internet, I hide everything inside, What you see is someone who hides behind her confident personality and humor. I literally take everything I go through and keep it hidden some place in the back of my mind, Maybe, hopefully, something will come out as this letter progresses.

    When Alex G’s #ShareYourStory movement came out, I thought about sharing something deep. But I didn’t want to open up old scars. *here come the tears* I sent her the full story of my heart condition. I took the easy way out. I shared a “tragedy turned positive” story. But do you really want to know how I feel about my heart condition? I effing hate it. I hate that I’ve had some setbacks. I hate that I’m so lazy to the point of not exercising like my doctor said I should do (back in April 2015). I hate that I love food so much to not cut out sodium like he asked. It wears down the valve. I’m killing myself with every pretzel I eat. BUT I LOVE PRETZELS! I hate that I can’t do what I really want to do in life because I need a career that will support me financially so I can afford great health insurance for my next surgery(ies). That’s why I haven’t really gone back to school. I don’t have a passion for anything but music. Which leads into me telling you that I have a few debts and can’t go back to school or even get a car until I pay them. I have no money to pay them because I don’t save my money. I pay my two bills and make big splurges with the rest. But those splurges are mainly concerts. Music is what makes me happy and passionate.

    Tyler’s theme of the tour was basically about moving on and letting go of whatever you’re addicted to or whatever has been holding you back. I’ve realized my two addictions are supporting musicians financially (even if I don’t have the money) and social media. Music is literally my life. If music didn’t exist, I would’ve killed myself a while ago. While sitting in silence, I have considered it but instantly told myself “you’re too awesome to leave this place”. About 85% of my friends are on social media. “I’ve got real friends so I’m never alone. But I’d rather be alone with the friends in my phone.” This is from a Vine and it’s how I live my life. I’m a very outgoing person and I love meeting people. However, I don’t have a vehicle and there’s rarely anyone available to hang out.

    Back in December of 2014, I met Nick. I’d tell you how I met him, but it’s too funny to talk about for the mood I’m currently in. Nick had issues of his own but he was always there for me. I was able to talk to him about anything and he would listen. However he never really talked about his life with me, much. I let him know I was there for him whenever he needed me, then I’d continue babbling about whatever. We were just friends. We never touched each other in any other way. In the six months I knew him, there would be periods of times where he wouldn’t talk to me for days, even weeks. When he finally came back to me, he would never tell me how he REALLY was. The last time I heard from him was in May, right after my birthday. I think about him every day but I stopped trying to contact him. I do care about him and I will still always be here for him when he needs me. But then again, I refuse to keep a friend who won’t keep me around.

    I don’t know who I’ll be sharing this with, so I’m about to get into the “sex talk”. So dad, or the guy I’m currently getting to know, if you’re reading this, PLEASE STOP!!!! I’m writing dots between this topic and the next.

    I have never had a legit relationship. I’ve had “flings”. I hate the term, “boyfriend/girlfriend”. I hate labels. Let me just say, I hate dating in general. Most of the dudes I’ve been “in a relationship” with have been long distance and filled with empty promises. So I don’t ever count those. I can’t say I’ve ever been in love either. And I am okay with that now. I turned to online dating and meeting guys for dates that ended in having sex once and never seeing them again. I never have the intention of having sex with them, but it happens. I friend zone everyone because I don’t want to be in a relationship and I just want to get to know someone first before. But shit gets real when we’re alone. I try not to think, “Well what’s wrong with me now since this guy didn't work out.” There’s nothing wrong with me. I’m just a lot to deal with. I have my own issues and I want a companion to talk to. If I go online now, it’s literally to look for a friend who might have potential and I delete the app. Yes, I am talking about Tinder… I’ve met some decent guys who are still friends and nothing more.

    The last guy I was “with” was really cool. We both love the Beatles, we play guitar, and we have so many things in common. I went to his apartment and we listened to the Beatles on vinyl and had a few beers, I had already established that I did not want to be anything more than friends [with anyone]. He was the exact same page. Then the alcohol got to him… I was not drunk at all, but he had already drank a few before I got there. He ends up pressuring me into having sex with him. I was trying to stop him but he was one of those guys who like aggressive sex and I do not. He ended up getting me in the mood enough to have sex. Of course I wanted it, but I did not want to ruin our “friendship” that we had established.

    I went back a few days later and the same exact thing happens… Twice in the same night, He’s already annoyed by my outgoing personality and I’m annoyed at several other things. Like, why the hell did we have sex (three times) when neither one of us wanted it in the first place? The next day, he takes me home and I get out of his car and immediately think to myself, “Well I’m never seeing him again.” A few hours later, he texts me with, “Hey, I can’t see you again. I never wanted a friend with benefits and I don’t want anyone to get hurt.” So he beat me to the punch, but at least we were on the same page.

    I’m telling you these things to let it out. I still don’t know why I’m so effed up. But I do believe this is the start of something beautiful. I want to get back into writing because I need to. This is the first thing I’ve written in a very long time. I use to write long shit like this almost every day just because I loved writing. I would love to write a song, but I think blogging is a great place to start first. Thank you for reading.