Update After Kinda Trusting

Getting fired was rated six out of ten of the most positive high points of my life. It's been one year and so much has happened. God has changed me more in the past week than over this whole year. To get a gist of how I reacted to getting fired, here's the blog I wrote about it: 

http://alishamarie1993.blogspot.com/2015/11/before-trust-111315.html

At the time, I was questioning whether or not to pursue a relationship with God. Two weeks later, I started working at Bella, where I met two of my dear friends. Those two friends are the ones who invited me to King's Chapel [in May]. Several weeks after working at Bella, I took the trip to St. Louis where God met me at Tyler Ward's show. The timing of those two months could not have been placed more perfectly. Throughout this past year, there have been ups and downs in my faith. But I've wanted to keep persevering. Without God in my life [now] I don't think I'd be as close with my family as I am. I wouldn't have the friends I look up to. I wouldn't be going to the church, that I'm starting to really love. I wouldn't have gone to Nashville or even traveled as much as I have. I'm still learning to know how to really trust Him completely. But I know through His timing and His forgiveness, I will love and trust Him with everything I have.  

Last weekend, I attended a two day conference that my church hosted. It was the "Heart Conference: Your Character, God's Story". There were so many points that hit me deep. Dr. Coffield started with a prayer saying, "If there are people who are comfortable, would you use this time to disrupt them? If there are people here who are disrupted, would you use this time to comfort them?" I've been so comfortable with being the God of my own life, knowing He is the one who needs to be in control. 

Throughout this conference, he talked about the difference in writing your own story versus having God write it with you. He also talked about the importance of community and sharing your story with people. He talked about how in order to move forward to a redemptive story, you have to look back before you'll be able to move forward. I think that's been the hardest part for me and the reason why I haven't been able to trust God. I still haven't grasped the concept of forgiveness because I'm holding onto the things of my past. On the first night, he gave us an assignment where we had to write the high and low points of our life. We then had to rate them from best to worst. This opened up so many emotions and things of my past I didn't realize I was still holding on to.

One of the best parts of the conference was being able to share our story timelines with the people at our table. It was the first time I actually opened up since being at KCP. When it was my turn, I said, "I'll try not to get emotional", but was already crying. The highest point of my life was when Melissa was being born. There are times where I get too busy with my own life and I'm reminded that I have someone who will really look up to me, in the future. She makes me want to be a better person. The lowest point of my life was when I lost my virginity. I knew it was wrong. I basically told God to screw himself and went my own way. Today, I am so thankful for His grace. 

After sharing our stories, we were given a minute to respond. My friend said that she thinks that the theme of my life has been full of bad things turned good. My pastor said it makes him feel protected. Another leader said that these are the type of people we need in this church. All of this really resonated with me and I felt so relieved, yet still a little convicted. The last thing we did at the conference was write down what we're going to do to commit to, in order to move our story forward. I listed: Pray, look back, & talk about it. Seek His word and wisdom. Set goals and make a plan.

On Sunday, I went to see Stevie Nicks with Sheryl (my sister). She's a huge Fleewood Mac fan. I was more excited to go with her than to see Stevie. On the way to the arena, we talked a lot. It was the first time we'd really talked in a while. We've never really been close. We're so much more alike than we care to admit. I'm grateful to have her. Overall, it was a great time seeing her in her element. I was just happy to be there for her.

On Wednesday, I left on my trip to Chattanooga to see NEEDTOBREATHE, Mat Kearney, Parachute, & Welshley Arms. It was such a fun weekend with new friends, a great concert, an extra trip to Nashville (on Friday), and a ton of coffee. In Nashville, we were able to see Jackie G again and talk for a while about life and random things. After that, Morgan and I sat down in Dose (the place where I had my emotional breakdown when I left last time). I brought my Bible and we read a few verses. I was a little anxious to even go there because I knew I'd get emotional again. However the emotions I felt were not filled with regret, but I felt so much hope. I wanted to get some sort of confirmation from God to let me know if He's really leading me to Nashville. I want to say yes, because my heart is already there. But I'm not 100% sure yet. That is one reason why I am seeking out His word and wisdom and setting goals. 

On the way home from Chattanooga, I had to pull over on the side of the interstate in Cartersville (45 minutes away from Atlanta). Before going on this trip, I got my tires rotated and was told that there was a leak in my axle. Dad said that I should be okay and to get it checked out after I got back. I was just about to pull over from the left lane to stop on the next exit for a pit stop. There was a loud POP and it sounded like I had a flat. I pulled over and my friend got out to tell me the back of my car was smoking. We tossed out everything in case it on caught fire. I called AAA to have a tow truck take my car all the way to Carrollton. Luckily, my aunt lives about 30 minutes away from where we were. She came to pick us up and dad met us in Atlanta. Through all of this, I remained calm. This is the second detour on a road trip where God has said, "I'm going to get you home safely but my way, not yours." It was another realization of, "Holy crap, God really does have this."

In this past year, God has taught me forgiveness and that it's okay to take risks. In this past week, I've realized that family is very important. I've realized that God is in control. It's amazing how a bad thing, such as getting fired, can bring so many positive future impacts to your life. I've changed so much because of God. I'm nowhere near where I want to be, but I'm right where God needs me to be.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord, and turn away from evil. It will be healing in your flesh and refreshment from your bones."

Proverbs 3:5-7

Struggles

"Why do you bottle things, honey? Just cry and let it out. Just start writing and empty your heart and mind on the papers. You know how good that makes you feel."

-The words of a good friend, a few weeks ago.

Well here I am with a new blog, after months of holding so much in. I'm going to try to make myself feel better by writing it out. I know I could talk to God and let it go, but that's hard for me to do. I haven't really talked to Him in a while. I'll just make this an "update blog".

At the end of August, I was able to go on a last minute trip to Nashville. The timing was absolutely perfect because I had been wanting to visit, for a while. A friend invited me to see Ben Rector. Other than the show, I didn't plan anything. I asked God to lead me and to show me what He had in store. I had been struggling with holding expectations of things and being disappointed when it didn't really go my way. So it was kind of weird to not be in control.

On the drive up, I was listening to Lindsey Stirling's new album, 'Brave Enough' (I listened to this the most while I was on the trip. So when I listen to it now, I think about it). I stopped at Lookout Mountain in Chattanooga. After that, I walked downtown for lunch then I continued on my way. It was a great drive. When I got to Nashville I felt so at peace. Something inside of me felt so incredibly comfortable. I should tell you, that I visited Broadway Street on the way to St. Louis, last December. I was always drawn to the city, even though Broadway is really shitty and too touristy. I just did not feel like a tourist when I arrived. I felt like I really belonged there. So I went into the Frothy Monkey in downtown, enjoyed a lavender latte (weird right? It was.) and rested before making my way to my friend's house in Brentwood.

I woke up extremely early on Saturday. There was so much to explore and I was really excited! I still didn't really have a solid plan. So I drove to Dose to have a breakfast bagel and fell in love with their vanilla bean latte. After that, I went to Broadway Street to try to film a video on the Pedestrian Bridge and get souvenirs. I never recorded anything because I didn't feel inspired. I also felt like people were judging me by saying, "Oh look, another broke musician in Nashville." I just felt really uncomfortable and left.

An hour or so later, I met my friend at the Factory at Franklin where I tried my first [delicious] Açaí bowl. We walked around, and then drove down to 12th Ave South to see Jackie G. It was so good to see her. If you don't know who Jackie is, please get to know her and what's she's doing in her ministry. She's an incredible woman, an inspiration to me, and someone I'm able to call a friend. https://www.patreon.com/JackieGTV

After meeting with Jackie, my friend and I walked around the park, and then made our way to the amphitheater to see Ben. Instead of boring you with emotional, yet incredible concert details, I'll just leave this link here: https://www.instagram.com/p/BJpAwJYDGH6

On Sunday, we woke up and went to the Barista Parlor to have a biscuit and a latte before church. "Being intentioned for ministry is nothing without being positioned for ministry." When the service was over, there was a dry erase board that said, "Reclaiming a life without", I wrote 'expectations'. After church, we drove back to Brentwood, I packed my stuff, and went to have lunch with a musician/Internet friend, Caroline and her girlfriend. We talked about life, family, a bit of politics, music, and memories. It was a great time.

When I left lunch, I realized that I still hadn't recorded a video like I wanted to. So I went to the Bicentennial Park and filmed. It turned out bad, but I was inspired and uploaded it anyway. I knew I had to go, so I went back to Dose and got [my first iced] vanilla bean latte. As soon as I walked out the door, I was crying. Just thinking about it now, makes me emotional. I was hysterically crying. Honestly, I really didn't think I'd get so attached to this place, but I did and had to force myself to leave.

You see, these tears were actually tears of regret. In between June and July, the coffee shop I was working at closed, and though I had signed another year onto my lease, I was able to opt out of it. Even though I was unemployed, and had a month to move out, I was going to take the $200 I had and move to Nashville with it. Since that wasn't very wise, dad talked me out of it, and I was able to opt back in to staying another year before the official deadline and plan to move there next July. That emotional breakdown in Nashville, was me realizing that I should have risked everything, and was God's way of saying, "It's okay that you didn't move but you have to take the next leap of faith that I put in front of you."

To continue on with my struggle of expectations, the only real expectation I had while on the trip, was to get home alright. After coming out of Chattanooga and into Georgia, traffic was backed up. I got off on the exit to get to Summerville, and felt like my GPS could lead me home from there. I didn't turn where I needed to and ended up in the middle of nowhere with no service somewhere on HWY 100. I figured if I keep going south, I'll get somewhere close. Sure enough, I ended up going straight through Rome. I was familiar with Rome, since Marybeth (my stepmom) is from there. I knew God was telling me that I can't expect anything on my own.

Now, I know I just went into a long detailed story about my Nashville trip that could be its own blog. But I was thinking about it and realized that the trip really plays a significant part of my life. But even since the trip, I still haven't "figured it out yet". I mean has anyone my age really figured it out? I just wish I had taken the risk and moved when I had the chance. It really discourages me that I didn't. It makes me think that I won't ever be able to take a leap of faith when the time comes. I know the enemy is filling my head with those thoughts. It's just hard to let it all go.

Last month, I got a new tattoo. A tattoo I had been wanting since last December. I started to write a blog about it on the day I got it. However, I never got past this: "There's a story behind this tattoo. I wouldn't get a one that doesn't have a significant meaning to my life. However this particular tattoo represents a story that is still being written. It represents my testimony. It represents a powerful feeling of relief. This tattoo represents the freedom Jesus. shed on the Cross." While I was writing it seemed forced and fake, so I decided not to continue it until I was ready.

On December 2nd, 2015, I experienced the power of forgiveness from someone I hurt. That person is Tyler Ward. I asked him to write out "forgiveness" because it seemed to be the theme of our lives, at the time. He spelled it wrong at first, and took nine months to rewrite it. 

In all honesty, I'm glad it took nine months. It gave me time to let go and forgive some people I needed to. It gave me time to forgive myself of things I've done in the past. Although I haven't completely forgiven myself, this tattoo is my reminder that I am forgiven because of Jesus. Whenever I do experience the complete freedom of forgiveness, my tattoo will tell a story of this past year where I started growing in my faith.

For the past month, I've been involved in a small community group with folks from my church. Tonight, a friend shared something she's been struggling with, that I've been able relate to for the past few months. When you question your faith, it's dangerous.

Something I've been struggling with, is wanting God. I need that desire to want Him. But I'll be honest, I really haven't been working towards getting to know Him. I've always known what to do, but I struggle with finding the steps to work on things. I struggle with finding and trusting people who will hold me 100% accountable. I struggle with opening up, especially in the wrong moments or with the wrong kind of people. I struggle with reading the Word. I struggle with writing in my journal that I use to take everywhere with me. I struggle with feeling the need to be accepted. Recently, I've started to look at my body and hating it. I was working out for a short time, but IO got bored with it and became lazy [again]. I've started seeking attention from a guy in my past that I need to let go of, but don't want to. I've been drinking again. I struggle with loneliness, which is why I go over to my parent's house every single day. And even though music is a huge part of my life, I've lost any and all inspiration to play. I've lost the inspiration to even write anything. I miss being as happy and confident as I once was. 

I know I just got really depressing in that last paragraph, but through all of these struggles, I know Jesus was sent here to save me so I wouldn't have to struggle through these things. But that's actually the part of forgiveness that I have yet to grasp a hold of. I have all of these reminders around me that I don't really remind myself of.

I just thought of the 'Desert Song' and I think that's where I'm going to end this blog. There are highs and lows. There are times where I'm going to feel like I'm worthless to my faith. And through these desert times, I have to know that God is here and that He is reason to remain faithful through everything. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZlgUUeQh0CQ

RIP Christina Grimmie

About a month ago I found out that my internet friend, Jesse, was coming to Atlanta for Christina Grimmie's show. I wanted to try to hang out with him while he was here but the timing of it wasn't going to work out. A few days later, he offered to buy my ticket and eventually our plans started to fall into place. I never really listened to her music. I knew she was a YouTuber and that she did several collabs with other artists that I follow. The day before the show, I surfed through her channel and wasn't really into it. But I was optimistic that after hearing her live, I would become a fan.

On Thursday, I met Jesse and we went to sit under a tree in Centennial Olympic Park. We talked about life, Alex G (who is who we met through), music, fires, dogs, traveling, and our excitement for the show. We went to grab food and headed over to the Vinyl [venue]. Jesse ended up locking his keys in his car and we waited for AAA to get there. The driver arrived minutes before the show started. He got his keys out and and we walked into the venue. We picked a spot in the back to stand. If you know me, you know I'm usually one of the first few at venues so I can get to a good spot. Since I didn't know these artists, I was just there to listen.

Christina was one of two opening for the headliner, Before You Exit. The first opener was a kid named Cade. He was talented. His lyrics were well written and his beats were pretty awesome. Before going into the venue, his father was standing outside waiting on his group of people to arrive. We talked for a minute. I congratulated him on his son fulfilling his dreams and he seemed very supportive.

When Christina came up to perform, we moved up a little closer. I was shocked at how much I really enjoyed her. Her range is incredible. She really engaged the audience and put on a damn good performance! I didn't take many photos but I did record her song, "Liar, Liar". She wrote it as a freshman in high school. It's about a boy who was cheating on his girlfriend with Christina. She mentioned that this was one of her most popular songs. I'm going to upload that tomorrow as part of my Sunday releases. (LINK: https://youtu.be/YF9KtbHWLCY) She mentioned she would be at her merch table after Before You Exit's set. We then moved near her table, so we can get there before a mob, after the show. 

Before You Exit put on a great set! They really engaged the crowd and had some good lyrics. However they were a little too "boy band" for me. They were really good but I've definitely outgrown the "Jo Bro" style bands. I tweeted, "Me and Jesse are in a sea of teenage girls screaming for your typical all star boy band." I still had fun dancing and listening. Christina came up to join them in singing a cover of 'Let It Go' by James Bay. Their harmonies were gorgeous!

After the show, Christina came out. We stood in line to wait our turn. Her guitarist (who I found out to be her brother) was standing next to us, and I said, "You were the guiartist, right? Great job!" He jokingly said, "You caught me!" He mentioned that he loved my Star Wars shirt and we talked about how Jesse was wearing a Star Wars hat but decided to insult me by changing into the Yankees hat. We approached Christina. I first shook her hand, formally. I would've gone in for a hug but I wanted to be sarcastic with it. She also mentioned loving my shirt. I let her know that I've heard of her but never listened to her. She said, "But you will now, right?" I said, "Yes, I'm going to go home and binge watch your channel. The only one I know is the 'How To Love' cover with Tyler Ward." She said, "Oh Tyler is my BAE! I haven't seen him in a while." I let her know that I would tell Tyler "hi". We took our pictures and then left the venue.

Friday night, I was settling into bed. My friend sent me a message with a news article [that was posted within the last thirty minutes] about a shooting that happened at the venue in Orlando they were all playing at. I was in shock. I didn't really want it to be true. The article didn't mention it was Christina who was shot. But I looked at Twitter and confirmed that she was indeed in critical condition. I denied it all, and went to sleep. I woke up with texts and tagged posts about her death. I didn't want to be tagged in anything. Somehow, before looking at my phone, I already knew and I didn't want to be bothered by any of it. I deleted all of my apps so I wouldn't get notifications from it. I needed time to process it and wasn't going to let it affect me at work.

Now that I've had a little time to think about it, I've been talking to God about it: 'Is it okay to cry about this? I didn't really know her. I've never been impacted by something like this. Am I suppose to be upset? I'm being selfish. Sure it's okay to cry. I just feel weird about this entire thing. Like I still can't believe it to be true. But it is.'

I didn't know anything about her. However, many of my other friends have followed her. Many of the other YouTubers I follow, have sent out their messages of love. Many of them were friends with her. I've learned a lot about who she was, in the last ten hours. My heart is at ease knowing that she loved Jesus. In the two minutes I shared with her personally, she was a kind person who loved people. Her passion shined throughout in her performance. I will keep my promise to her and binge watch her channel and will probably do so over and over. 

One of my first thoughts when reading this news was, 'This could have happened in Atlanta. The shooter could have been following them on this tour just to pick their spot.' I know this is a terrible thing to assume firsthand, but it really could've been anywhere for this to happen. And the fact that it happened the night after I interacted with her, makes it hit so much closer to home. 

My heart is with the fans from the venue, who witnessed this terrible tradegy. My heart is with my friends who have been listening to her since the beginning, or after. My heart is with the YouTubers I follow, who were also her friends. My heart is with her family, who supported and loved her endlessly. My heart is with her brother, Mark, who truly is the hero of all of this. And finally, my heart is with God, who she is currently in peace with.

Thank you to my friends who have reached out to me to see if I'm okay. I know I haven't responded to most of you. The truth is, I don't know if I'm okay or not. This past week was stressful for me personally. So I need to take the time to regain my focus on my faith. To anyone reading this, please hug the ones you love. If there's anything I've learned in the past six months, it's, remember to love and forgive to forget. 1 TIMOTHY 4:12

Story Time/Prayer Request

For the last six months, I've been on this faith journey. It's been a roller coaster, but I've seen a change in me that I've never experienced before. It's refreshing but also scary. I'm terrified because I don't know what else is changing. Although I know that God's timing is true. I am also learning that waiting patiently will result in something beautiful.

When we moved here in 2003, my family attended Christ Fellowship Church (CF). In 2011, I left to get away from my parents. I ended up meeting a guy at a blood drive who told me about Peachtree Community Church (PCC). I went there from 2011-2013. I only attended for a guy, actually started to learn a little about myself, gained a few good friends, left the church, then let go of my faith for two and a half years.

About four months ago, I started to go back to Christ Fellowship and it felt like home again. I even mentioned to my pastor that this was my home church and I wish I never left. A few weeks after I mentioned that, I started getting a little closer with two of my coworkers. One of them, I knew already knew from growing up with her at CF. They both attended King's Chapel Presbyterian (KCP) and would tell me how awesome it was. As someone who grew up in the non-denominational church, the word “Presbyterian” just screamed traditional and religious. They assured me that it was actually pretty laid back and not as traditional as I one may think.

As the weeks passed by, we would have a few conversations about church again. I started to feel like God was moving me out of Christ Fellowship. It was pressed on my heart that I needed to find a “younger” church, meaning I needed to find people my age that I connect with. I realized that CF was not the church I grew up. A lot of the people I knew [along my age group] were not there anymore. I would still consider it my home church, but it’s not right for me to attend during this season of my life.

The week after Mother’s Day, I attended KCP. I was surprised to see so many people I knew from CF there. I felt welcomed. They mentioned how much they really loved the pastor. I have been attending KCP for the last four weeks. I go into the sanctuary with an open mind and pray for God to speak to me during my time here. I like the atmosphere of it. The community of people seem like a true church family. I am not a fan of the upbeat hymns they do for worship. I prefer contemporary worship. Although I have never heard a congregation harmonize so beautifully like they do here. Apparently there are several musicians who attend, as well. The service is very organized. The messages I’ve heard have been well received. I even joined a summer class that teaches about the Attributes of God. We had the first class, this past Sunday. It was interesting. However with all of this being said, I’m beginning to sense that God is pulling me out of this church now.

I told myself that, while I am searching for a new home church, I would attend one for a month at a time to see where I truly fit. I haven’t been able to feel the presence of God at KCP. I’ve asked Him to move through me during each service and He hasn’t yet. He may not for a long time. In the past 48 hours, it’s been heavy on my heart that yesterday was my last time there. I hate it because I was starting to make friends and get to know people. But if this really is God telling me to move on to the next church, then I have to move.

So my prayer request is that I truly hear the affirmation from God and not the thoughts in my mind. I need to know whether I should stay at KCP or to attend the next church. I’m not rushing this. I'll wait to move on until I know it's His voice telling me to go. However I have begun to stress myself out over it. Ask God to show me what’s next. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING THIS AND PRAYING!

I'm No Longer Feeling 22

My birthday is tomorrow, May 26th. I'll be honest, I'm not a fan of Taylor Swift, but I love puns and I love making references. So her song, "22", has been my anthem for the past year. I'm sure it's every 22 year old's song. However now, "What's My Age Again", by Blink 182, will be my anthem. "Nobody likes you when you're 23." Is the line that really sticks out. I use it as sarcasm because I know I'm loved by many. 

In the past year, I went to twelve concerts, met a few of my Internet friends, took four road trips, got fired from my job, was given a car by my amazing parents, forgave some people that I was bitter towards, and most importantly I started my journey of faith. This past year has been one of the most hardest years I've ever been through. Sure, at 22, you're thinking, "You're gonna have years more difficult than this one." Even though I'm not expecting it, I do look forward to them. I have learned more about myself in the past year, than I ever have. I'm still learning and want to know more. However I cannot do that without the help of my friends, family, and the grace of God.

If you're wondering why I haven't posted a blog in a while, it's because I started a personal journal that I write in daily. I'm more honest with myself when I know only I, or my CLOSEST friends/family, will see it. There's something much more powerful when you physically write what you feel rather than typing it. I suppose it's the same, yet it's different. I encourage y'all to start a journal. You'll be surprised to know how freeing it is when you do!

I think the most important thing I've learned recently is that feelings are not facts. However within feelings, are facts with reasons behind them. Every time I tell myself that I'm feeling something, I ask myself, "Am I exaggerating this? Do I really feel this way? Do I feel sorry for myself?" I quickly stop and continue talking or writing it out.

For this blog, I really just wanted to give you all a quick update. I've learned that not everyone needs to know every part of my story. There have been some things that I have posted before to get attention. I'm doing everything I can to not be that person anymore. I've realized that it was incredibly draining. I've learned to be more honest with myself and those around me. Though I may still be opinionated, I am learning to think before I speak. I'm needing to be vulnerable with myself before I'm able to move on.

God does not want you to live in your shame. He wants you to bring it to the light. He knows everything you're going through and there is no reason to hide it. Be honest with yourself and be mindful of Him.

"When I look at Your heavens, the work of Your fingers,
the moon and the stars, which You have set in place,
what is man that You are mindful of him,
and the son of man that You care for him?" 
-PSALM 8:3-4