To My Parents

This blog is mainly for my mother, dad, and stepmom:

Before reading this, I would like for you to listen to this song from Anna Clendening: https://youtu.be/uQUrhYpPra0. I feel like I can relate to Anna's story. She wrote her thoughts into an emotionally raw form of music. You know that I express how I feel when I write it all down, so here are my thoughts:

You may not believe in it, but I feel like I've let y'all down in more ways than I care to admit. I still aim to try to please you, even though I know shouldn't be looking for anyone's approval. But you are my parents and your opinions matter to me more than someone else's. I held a chip on my shoulder for twenty years. I probably still have it, but I use the excuse of "adulting" to conceal my problems. But I know that I'm still growing, so I shouldn't be too hard on myself.

They say you have plenty of time to figure things out. I'm starting to disagree with that statement. I'm realizing that the older I get, time moves much faster. With my CHD, I don't have much time at all. In fact, my time may be cut short. But I don't want to think about that, because I will create a bigger pool of tears than the one that i am currently sitting in.

It hasn't quite hit me that I have a car and why I have it, but I think it just did. I want to get my life started. Not for you, but for me. I have so many goals in mind and haven't quite worked to achieve them. I've been making excuses and spending money that could've been spent on my education, or a car that I paid for. I have dreams that I've started to live out, but haven't applied myself to truly fulfill them. As I'm growing more in my faith, I'm starting to see my passions more clearly. God is also placing new ideas and dreams into my head. I'm going too continue waiting on Him to see where I really need to be.

Mom: Thank you for accepting my forgiveness recently. I'm glad we're working with each other to find out why we are the way we are. Thank you for introducing me to the best classic movies and music. Thank you for loving me when I hated you. Thank you for giving us gifts when we knew you couldn't afford them. Thank you for being there for my surgery. Thank you for doing everything you could to protect us. Thank you for giving birth to me.

Mary Beth: Thank you for coming into this family. You are an incredible woman and role model. Without you, my passion for music wouldn't exist. Thank you for passing down your guitar to me, even though I practically took it from you. Thank you for being so understanding. Thank you for loving me when I seemed to be unlovable. 

Dad: Thank you for being so strict. Thank you for showing me stories of teenagers who moved to LA and ended up homeless, when Amanda and I were thinking of starting a band. Thank you for the stupid punny jokes that I use on a regular basis. Thank you for being a nerd and teaching me math even though I will never understand it. Thank you for being a true man of God in this family. Thank you for your unending forgiveness. Thank you for your amazing cooking skills. Thank you for risking everything you owned to provide for our family. Thank you for letting us have dogs. Thank you for answering my calls when all I want to do is say "hey." Thank you for your hugs. Thank you for that emotional moment, in the hospital, when I realized I needed a pacemaker. Thank you for loving me regardless of the fights we've had and the mistakes I've made.

I am so beyond thankful that I've been able to be completely open with y'all, especially in the past six months. I've wanted nothing more than to have someone to go to whenever I needed to talk about something. It has taken a while for me to realize that y'all have been here all along. In the past week, I feel like I have spent more time with this family than I have since I've moved out. I don't want that to change. Friends will come and go but family will be here forever. I love you and I will do everything I can to make you proud.