Just Writing

I wanted to write a blog but didn't really have anything in mind. So for this one, I'm just going to write whatever comes to me as my fingers hit the keys. Besides, I haven't written anything in a few weeks.

The past month has been strangely rough. My anger has got the best of me. I've been getting pissed off at things that are so small. I have lost the ability to care about things again. I haven't been talking with God. I started drinking [socially] again. I've been letting the Enemy win. And it's funny because I'm reading a book by CS Lewis called The Screwtape Letters. In it, God is the Enemy. Screwtape is teaching his nephew, Wormwood, how to deceive people (their Patients) away from God. It gets pretty deep. I'm halfway done with it but I definitely recommend it. 

Monday night, Tyler [Ward, duh] posted his shoutout video for a few of his Patrons. For mine, he says, "You're getting a hold of life and just grabbing it by the balls." While there is some truth to that, as you've seen if you've been reading my blogs like he has, then it's easy to see that. However I'm still struggling and I almost feel like life is kicking my [metaphorical] balls. But thankfully I am still here.

Over a week ago, I started a second job (aside from the coffee shop) at a local BBQ house. They were so desperate for employees, I was basically hired on the spot. A few days after working both jobs, I received a call from Tanner Hospital. I've been applying to odd jobs in the hospital for a few years and have never received a call back until now. I realized that the BBQ place wasn't going to work out after all, due to multiple reasons. So I scheduled an interview with Tanner and am making this the last week at the BBQ house.

The interview went well. However I'm not sure if I have the job yet, since there were other applicants. Please pray for positive news, when they do make their call. While waiting around for the interview, I had a cup of coffee. I smiled at everyone who walked by me. I thought to myself, "I feel like this is where I'm suppose to be." Is it weird that I love the atmosphere of a hospital? I just hate being a patient in one. When deciding on what to do with my life, one of my first goals was to become a hospital administrator of some sort. I've always wanted to give back to Children's Healthcare of Atlanta since they were there for me for twenty years. I have no desire to be in the medical field, but I would love to be around it. (If that makes sense.) This job at Tanner is definitely an entry level position. If I choose to, I could work my way up and really fulfill that first dream I gave myself before finding my wholehearted passion for music.

While I was waiting for one more person to meet, during the interview process, I was taken into the Pastoral Care room. I saw a poster on the wall of a dad carrying his daughter and it said, "The Prodigal Daughter" under it. Next to it, was a poster of a dad hugging his son that said, "The Prodigal Son". If I wasn't waiting on someone to meet, I feel like I would've fallen to the floor and cried out to Jesus. I let that moment pass, so I haven't thought about it until now. A few weeks ago at my church, Pastor Derek talked about the "prodigal moments" in our lives. After the sermon, I let him know that for the past few months of me re-pursuing my faith, the story of the Prodigal Son kept getting brought up to me (in sermons, books, conversations, etc...). So on a night it did, I asked God, "Why does this story keep coming up?" And His response was, "Because you're not believing in it." By seeing the "Prodigal Daughter", reassured me to keep pursuing Him. 

I haven't asked for forgiveness on much of anything yet. I feel like I'm still wallowing in it all. It may seem like I'm making progress, but I don't feel like I have. I keep saying I need to work on my faith. But it's so much easier said than done. So I am asking once again, like I did in another blog, to you, the reader, will you PLEASE hold me accountable? I know this is a public blog, but if I share the links with you personally, it means I want your honest opinions. I want your advice. And I need your help to keep my eyes on Jesus. I can't do this alone. We cannot be alone. We are in this together.

To My Parents

This blog is mainly for my mother, dad, and stepmom:

Before reading this, I would like for you to listen to this song from Anna Clendening: https://youtu.be/uQUrhYpPra0. I feel like I can relate to Anna's story. She wrote her thoughts into an emotionally raw form of music. You know that I express how I feel when I write it all down, so here are my thoughts:

You may not believe in it, but I feel like I've let y'all down in more ways than I care to admit. I still aim to try to please you, even though I know shouldn't be looking for anyone's approval. But you are my parents and your opinions matter to me more than someone else's. I held a chip on my shoulder for twenty years. I probably still have it, but I use the excuse of "adulting" to conceal my problems. But I know that I'm still growing, so I shouldn't be too hard on myself.

They say you have plenty of time to figure things out. I'm starting to disagree with that statement. I'm realizing that the older I get, time moves much faster. With my CHD, I don't have much time at all. In fact, my time may be cut short. But I don't want to think about that, because I will create a bigger pool of tears than the one that i am currently sitting in.

It hasn't quite hit me that I have a car and why I have it, but I think it just did. I want to get my life started. Not for you, but for me. I have so many goals in mind and haven't quite worked to achieve them. I've been making excuses and spending money that could've been spent on my education, or a car that I paid for. I have dreams that I've started to live out, but haven't applied myself to truly fulfill them. As I'm growing more in my faith, I'm starting to see my passions more clearly. God is also placing new ideas and dreams into my head. I'm going too continue waiting on Him to see where I really need to be.

Mom: Thank you for accepting my forgiveness recently. I'm glad we're working with each other to find out why we are the way we are. Thank you for introducing me to the best classic movies and music. Thank you for loving me when I hated you. Thank you for giving us gifts when we knew you couldn't afford them. Thank you for being there for my surgery. Thank you for doing everything you could to protect us. Thank you for giving birth to me.

Mary Beth: Thank you for coming into this family. You are an incredible woman and role model. Without you, my passion for music wouldn't exist. Thank you for passing down your guitar to me, even though I practically took it from you. Thank you for being so understanding. Thank you for loving me when I seemed to be unlovable. 

Dad: Thank you for being so strict. Thank you for showing me stories of teenagers who moved to LA and ended up homeless, when Amanda and I were thinking of starting a band. Thank you for the stupid punny jokes that I use on a regular basis. Thank you for being a nerd and teaching me math even though I will never understand it. Thank you for being a true man of God in this family. Thank you for your unending forgiveness. Thank you for your amazing cooking skills. Thank you for risking everything you owned to provide for our family. Thank you for letting us have dogs. Thank you for answering my calls when all I want to do is say "hey." Thank you for your hugs. Thank you for that emotional moment, in the hospital, when I realized I needed a pacemaker. Thank you for loving me regardless of the fights we've had and the mistakes I've made.

I am so beyond thankful that I've been able to be completely open with y'all, especially in the past six months. I've wanted nothing more than to have someone to go to whenever I needed to talk about something. It has taken a while for me to realize that y'all have been here all along. In the past week, I feel like I have spent more time with this family than I have since I've moved out. I don't want that to change. Friends will come and go but family will be here forever. I love you and I will do everything I can to make you proud. 

Blazin' with Grace

To say I'm overwhelmed is an understatement. I am so blessed with amazing parents who love me and want what's best for me. I was never able to see it until I started to work on my faith again, but these two amazing humans have given me everything. I've always taken most of it for granted, but now I will cherish this gift for a very long time.

I was at work when dad and Mary Beth came by. After spending, much needed, time with them yesterday, I figured they'd had enough of me. I saw Mary Beth with Grandpa, and Christopher before I saw dad. I noticed they came from different directions. I figured they drove the van and Grandpa's car and dad was going to work afterwards. I was a little confused as to why he was off on a Monday. When I asked, he sarcastically said, "Because I own the place." HA HA dad.

They ordered their food and drinks and went to sit outside. When I brought it out to them, dad said, "Can I give you a tip?" I said, "I don't want it if it's gonna be sarcastic." He starts to unwrap something in his shirt. In my mind, I'm thinking it's a large wad of money. But he pulls out a set of keys. When he starts to hand them to me I said, "What the hell is this?" He points to a red Chevy Blazer. I said, "Are you shitting me?" And I fall to the ground crying. Dad picks me up and hugs me for a good minute. Then we go check out MY CAR. MY FREAKING CAR! As I'm writing this, I still don't believe it.

We talk about the car for a bit. I asked how I need to pay them back. They both tell me not to worry about it. In my mind, I'm still overwhelmed thinking this is a late April fools joke. Mary Beth says, "The only way you have to repay us is to get your life started. You don't have an excuse not to go back to school or to get a better job. This is to help you." My parents have helped me out a little bit, financially here and there. [And obviously since birth.] But when I lost my other job in November, they began to help me out significantly. Since I've been on my own, I've never truly been able to budget myself to save for a car. I have a bad habit of spending. I'm not addicted to shopping, but it's big purchases at one time. The main one being concert tickets.

I will do everything I can to honor this gift and to take care of it with my entire soul. God has given me incredible parents to guide me through this crazy life. They've had their own struggles, that we JUST talked about yesterday. I'm still in denial that this is real. But it will hit me and I will be even more grateful than I am in this moment. I thank God for giving me wonderful parents. I thank God for his overwhelming grace. And I thank God for letting me live this life.

Her name is Grace!

First car selfie!