Open Prayer

All of the memories inside of my head are Yours. All of the moments I live through are Yours. All of the struggles I have been through were forgiven. So why do I get inside my head and get distracted from the progress I’ve made with You? Sure, I am human. I was never meant to be perfect. But how can I prevent myself from continuing to stray away?

When I first started to find my faith again, the story of the Prodigal Son kept showing up to me. When I asked You why, You said, “Because you’re not believing in it.” I keep turning away from You and trying to lead my own life, knowing I shouldn’t do that. Three weeks ago, I didn’t want anything more than You. Now I just want to be left alone by everyone.

I seem to be searching for answers without knowing the questions I need to be asking. The answers to life are written out for me in Your Word. But for some reason, I don’t have the desire to read any of it. I haven’t been able to completely trust You and this is an issue. I know You’re there. You’re waiting for me to break. You know when it will happen. Why won’t I let it?

Am I truly ready to let go of everything? I don’t even know what I’ve hidden inside. I’m killing myself slowly. I was not created to die without living. I know this road wasn’t meant to be easy. But I didn’t think I’d turn down the wrong path so many times. I cannot be left alone anymore knowing You’re there with me.

I seem to write prayers better than I can actually say them aloud to You. Perhaps someone else is struggling with the same thing. I know I’m not alone in this life, but I am alone in my head. I’m figuring this out one step at a time and I keep tripping over my feet. I’m sure everything will work out in the end. I just need to know where to go from here.