Incomplete

“Godly men pursue Godly women for friendships in hopes that the friendship will move towards marriage.” I went into a date with this Matt Chandler quote from “A Beautiful Design: Incomplete”.

I met Danny (sticking with Danny Padilla from my last blog to maintain privacy) the final time I downloaded Tinder, sometime back in August. We talked for a little bit, but never got to know each other further. He randomly messaged me in the middle of January and I honestly forgot who he was. I prayed about it and felt that it was right to begin getting to know him. I was already in the process of letting go and forgiving myself of past relationships, so I was a little hesitant. I didn’t want to start up something new while I had these old wounds still covered in bandages but not completely healed. I watched the ‘Incomplete’ sermon and the answer was clear to me: Let him pursue me.

I was honest with Danny from the beginning. I let him know that I’m in the process of finding myself through getting to know Jesus. He respected me and admired me for it. We got along great and connected really well. We laughed a lot and I was able to be a complete idiot with him like I am with everyone else. I was content in knowing that something was actually going right and that I was being pursued, for once. That is until things got heated, around the fifth date. We were watching ‘Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring’ because he had never seen it. His mind was obviously distracted. All we did was a middle school make out session, but it was enough to make me hate myself. The entire time, I was just praying to God, over and over, not to let anything happen. I’ve never been in an experience where my heart and mind were in agreement against something, where my body wasn’t. I interrupted him to let him know that one of the things I’ve been working on is sexual temptation and that we needed to stop. He left and I began to overthink all of the possibilities of what could have gone wrong instead of being proud of myself for handling the situation better than I ever have before.

After he left, he texted me, asking if I was okay. I wasn’t. But knowing he knew something was off and cared enough to ask, meant something to me. I called him and we talked for a good fifty minutes. I let him know that I was uncomfortable and confused. He said he will always be there for me if I ever needed someone to talk to. Even if he’s not where I am spiritually, he’ll help out in the best way he can. While talking about getting physical versus not getting physical, he mentioned the option of just trying to have sex to see if we also have a connection in that area. He knew it sounded douchey but  wouldn’t hang it over my head if it didn’t work out. I let him know that it wasn’t an option for me in my life at this time. Again, he respected it. When we got off the phone, I gave myself two options: let him go or risk having sex with him whenever I became ready. I called a friend to explain the situation to her. She said that it would be dumb to let him go if he’s respecting you, willing to work through this, and still pursue you. I was still a little sketched out. I ended up seeing him the next day and we walked around the college, just enjoying each other’s company. He didn’t stay long though.

A few days later, he wanted to see me before he left on a weekend vacation. We ended up only making out again. After he left, I was panicked. I was crying hysterically and had never wanted to let someone go more than I did in that moment. I almost called him back to talk to him about it. But instead, I called Morgan and she helped calm me down. All I wanted was more of Jesus. I felt like Danny was beginning to distract me from the progress I had made in the last five months. I wanted to tell him face to face but now I had to wait for him to get back from his trip. We were scheduled to hang out and he ended up canceling on me. I was not okay with this, since I had been holding this in all weekend. He ended up calling me and I let him go. He was thankful that I told him sooner rather than later. We’re still there for each other, but we’re no longer pursuing each other for dating purposes.

I’m not gonna lie, I miss him. However after writing this, I do see that there were some red flags that I avoided by letting him go. God let me know I was ready to date him by letting me realize that I was never really ready. Despite how you may see Danny after reading this, he is honestly a great guy. He’s just not great for me right now. It’s time to really focus on myself. This song is about not wanting to let go of Danny but doing it anyway so I can find myself through God.

Here's the link: https://youtu.be/gn-m5lNEK3M