I wasn't emotional leaving Nashville today. I was only emotional about all the good that happened while I was there. When connecting with people, and sharing our stories, we find that in our differences, our stories are not the same, yet they are still the same.
Disclaimer: This blog is VERY long. It took five hours. I wrote it and went to go lay down and couldn't go to bed without proofreading and editing it. If you don't finish it, that's okay! But let me know if you do!
I had been wanting to go back to Nashville one more time, before this year ended. With God's timing, I reached out to Brey and we planned to meet on Saturday. I wanted to do touristy things while I was there, but didn't really want to do them alone. Morgan was only going to be there for a day and a half. So I asked a few people if they wanted to join me. Most of them said no, except one. During asking people, God was telling me I need to go alone. I ignored Him until I talked to Morgan about it. She was right, I have to go alone. God is going to show me something, I just know it. I booked a hotel for four nights without having any solid plans. I wanted God to show me where to go, who to connect with, and what I needed to do.
I wrote down a few addresses to homes to look at. I don't plan to move there until the summer of 2017, but I wanted to check out these areas first. When I told dad, he said, "I wish you were going up there for interviews. I'd be happier if you were in school here and starting your career. I'm worried about you." Parents, am I right? Well he wasn't completely wrong. My plan is to eventually go to school, but I'm not looking into that right now.
On Wednesday, I packed my car, went to a Christmas party with a few of my church's community groups, and left Carrollton the next morning, knowing that God was going to use me and change me this weekend. I did my best to leave all of my expectations behind and drove out there without much to do. God was in control and I wasn't going to interrupt that.
THURSDAY
I had to wake up at 6am to be on the road at 7am. Matt Wertz has an online merch store called the SnowGlobe Shop and he happened to be selling some items in person on the day I was headed up there. I took the back roads to avoid the majority of traffic on I-20 and I-75. I stopped in Chattanooga to get a coffee at Mean Mug. I didn't use a GPS, woot. I arrived at the Fruition Salon at 11:45a.
As I was leaving the salon, I stopped to think about getting my hair cut. I had been waiting for my friend to cut my hair, for a while. She moved to Nashville for cosmetology and the two times I went up there, she wasn't able to take appointments. So when I reached out to her before I left, she was heading back to Carrollton. Such terrible timing. So I asked the receptionist if there were any open appointments within the next few hours. I couldn't check into my hotel until 3p. I had so much time to kill. Sure enough, they had a cancellation at 12p, and the hairstylist/co-owner, Lauren, (who was suppose to do that person's hair) was on her way to the salon. So I got my hair cut. I gave her free range. It doesn't look much different, but it actually is. She also gave me some general lessons about how to take care of my new hair.
While sitting in the chair, I kinda got to know Lauren and she got to know me a bit. I had never been to a "real salon" before (I'll never go to a chain salon again). It was interesting. Lauren is from Chicago. She moved to Nashville with her husband, several years ago. She was incredibly sweet and was just a passionate person. I let her know a bit of my story. You know, the basics: I'm from Atlanta (obviously because no one knows where Carrollton is). Dad owns a restaurant. (She said there weren't many Italian restaurants in the area. I joked that I should convince dad to let me open one in Nash.) I have a niece. I love music. She asked me how I know Matt (Parachute, duh). We even got to talking about churches, because I overheard Matt talking about them. I asked her, "This is a broad question, but where are the good churches?" I told her a little about my church history and where I'm at with God. She recommended a few that I'll definitely be going to in the future.
She styled my hair and I walked out completely satisfied with it. Matt said that I killed two birds with one stone. HECK YEAH! WHY NOT? Since 12 South was the parallel street, I went to grab a few chicken tacos. I left the area and still had an hour to kill before I was able to check into the hotel. I booked a hotel near my favorite coffee shop. If any of you have read the previous blogs, you'll remember that I had my emotional breakdown in the parking lot of Dose. I was familiar with that area and wanted to be close to there. I went to Dose and just relaxed for an hour.
I checked into the hotel and got ready to go out to dinner. with Jesse. He is the friend I saw Christina Grimmie with. He lives in Murfreesboro and we met through Alex G. We enjoyed a good dinner with some good conversation. We made a run to Target so I could get a new face moisturizer, since I ran out that morning. We said our goodbyes and he went back home. It was a fun time!
Before going to bed, I wrote in my journal: There's still something inside of me trying to control and plan out this trip. I want to stay busy, but at the same time, I need to be alone with you." I went to bed still overthinking and stressing.
FRIDAY
I woke up at 4am. Don't ask me why. I just suck at sleeping on trips, especially in hotels. I stayed in bed until 7a or so and left to go sit at the Barista Parlor in Germantown. I started to listen to the audio from Heart Conference that I went to at KCP. I stopped when I realized I could hear myself laughing, which made me laugh obnoxiously, in a room that echoed. So I watched a Matt Chandler sermon (Our Story in Exodus; week one, if you'd like to check it out). "What would happen in your life [in 2017] if you really understood and believed that full surrender of Jesus Christ made you free?" That hit me. But I was also distracted by my own plans again.
JOURNAL: You're not focused. You haven't prayed. How do you expect to even be moved on this trip when you're too preoccupied by other things? You've literally been up since 4am. You could've gone back to sleep but you let your mind wander into future expectations. Why? It's useless. Let God in, you stubborn, controlling asshole.
I was going to go visit the addresses I wrote down. I started to map them out and realized that it was going to take too much driving time from one place to the other. So I went to 12 South again to meet Jackie G.
She asked me how I was really doing. The past two times I came to see her, I was with people and never got too deep with her. So I let her know that I was struggling a bit. I've been going back and forth with the ideas of moving versus, is this really what God is telling me to do? She really encouraged me by reminding me that God places desires in our heart. They're His. I told her what dad said when I told him I was coming on this trip. She said, "those are words that set you up for failure." We talked about my plans to move here and a little bit of how God has moved her from place to place. She said, "You have my full support." It was really nice to know that I have another friend who will help me in my transition.
I was going to head out to the Factory at Franklin but got really irritated with traffic, so I decided to go to the Soda Parlor instead. From my Instagram:
@olanrogers, the first time I came to Nashville, I went to the old location, forgetting that you were moving. So then I drove to your new location & the sign said you'd be open in October. Well I came back for some adventures in Nash in early November & you still weren't open. I suppose the third time is the charm because this O' Canada is freaking incredible. LOOOOOVED THAT PLACE!! Even bought a couple of shirts!
I went back to the hotel to wait for Morgan to get there. I was bored. I almost fell asleep. I was trying to figure out what to do. I needed to kill about six hours. I remembered Star Wars came out this weekend. I BOUGHT A TICKET ONLINE AND WENT ALONE!! I had an hour or two before the movie started. There is an Italian restaurant across the street from the hotel. Now, I don't eat any Italian food anywhere else but La Trattoria. Nothing compares. However, since I'm moving here, I won't have access to free Italian food. So I wanted to give it a try. The atmosphere was not welcoming. The food was expensive. The wait for one person was 45 minutes. I walked out. NOPE.
I drove to the theater to see what food was in that area. I only had about 45 minutes until the movie started. I went to Jonathan's Bar. I just ordered a salad because it was quick and I wasn't that hungry. I was still incredibly sleepy. I didn't intend to drink anything on this trip, but I needed to wake up. The Fireball shot was bigger than I was use to. I drank it fairly quickly. The next thing I know, I feel like I'm going to pass out. But I walked out and I called my friend, Emily, just to make sure someone knew what was going on. I was able to get to the theater. Once I felt better, I realized I really didn't eat much that day. So I got some popcorn and raced to watch Rogue One. FYI, it was incredible. I was sobbing because the story was just so incredible. Y'all know I'm a huge Star Wars fan. GO SEE IT AND LET'S TALK ABOUT IT!!
I went to the hotel and talked to my friend Shelby until Morgan arrived. We stayed on the phone for about two hours just talking about life. I crashed as soon as Morgan got there. A year ago, we were in St. Louis with the #WTHIWSQUAD. This year, we were in Nashville.
SATURDAY
I had another rough night of sleep because my mind wouldn't shut off. So much was happening that day and I just couldn't stop [over]thinking about it all. We woke up and went to Crema Coffee (my new fave). Morgan and I talked about some deep stuff. I think that's where we realized how important we are to each other. I called Morgan my 'best friend' even though she was more of a super close friend. But that's where it was 100% confirmed that she is indeed my person.
We left to go get an Acai bowl at the Daily Juice Bar, around the corner. We met a couple who had lived in Nashville most of their lives. We talked about nature and wild animals that come in their yard. Typical things you see in the south. They were super sweet! When they left, I went on TimeHop to read some old obnoxious tweets of mine. LOLOLOL
We went down to the Gulch to see what it was like. We took some great pictures in front of the angel wings. We walked around to see what shops were there. Then decided to head back to the hotel to get ready to go to Dose. As I was just about to pull out of the parking lot, a red car whips into the spot next us. The man looked terribly upset. I felt led to roll down my window. He began with, "I'm going to be very blunt with you." I was somehow intrigued. I was honestly humbled and saddened by his story. He apologized for having turrets. He had just been to a gas station where someone called the cops on him. He was from Chicago. He was staying in Nashville for the night but wasn't able to check into the hotel. He left Texas and was on his way to North Carolina for his father's funeral. He asked if I can spare anything for gas. Without hesitation, I pulled out a $20 bill. While trying to hold back tears, his face was filled with a smile. He also asked if I had something to eat. I usually carry a Clif bar around with me, but I ate it at the theater. I reached back into my wallet and gave him the $1 bills that I had. This man was crying. He said, "You've restored my faith in the south." I told him that there are assholes everywhere but I understand him and I wished him blessings. He drove off. Somehow, I was seriously connected to that man. Regardless of whether or not Jeremy's story was true (I like to believe that it was), if he ever reads this, I want him to know that he changed me. That was the first spirit led encounter I've ever had when lending a helping hand.
We headed back to the hotel. The closer the time came to the meeting, our excitement and anxiety to see Tyler and Brey were growing.
JOURNAL: Here I am, anxious to go meet with Tyler and Brey. My mind is racing with excitement. One year ago, my life was changed because of You. Tyler was a huge part of that. Please let me be real, let my heart be open, and my stories and conversations be authentic. I have no doubt that you'll be inside of that coffee shop, just like you were outside of it (referring to the emotional breakdown). Thank you for a year of Grace.
We ended up getting there 30 minutes early. I walked in and saw Cody Fry. I said, "This is really creepy, but I've seen Ben Rector like four times, and I think you're awesome. I love your album." I had a mini fangirl moment over Ben's guitarist. OOPS. I went back to the car to get all of the gifts that we brought. I was anxious. I couldn't stop watching the door. I've never really experienced this much anxiety, honestly. I asked Morgan, "Are you not as anxious as I am?" She said, "I am but I'm trying to distract myself." I wasn't helping. But as soon as they walked in, all of my nerves and anxiety were gone.
To get a sense of the time with them, please watch this vlog before I go into some details that aren't really in here. You'll want to watch it. It's hilarious. Trust me. Grace (my car) even makes an appearance: https://youtu.be/NrVDh0H2QKY
These two people are just incredible. Honestly I don't have words to express how much their friendship and support means to me. And I know they feel the same. We laughed so much. I haven't been able to joke with anyone like that in a while. I mean, I'm hilarious, but only to myself. To hear Tyler call me hilarious was actually funny to me. We got to know each other on a deeper level. We got to really get to know Brey, with her personality of innocence and adorkable sense of humor. I whispered to Tyler that I think she's absolutely amazing and that if he doesn't marry her, I will. I think the best part of their relationship is how they're not only boyfriend and girlfriend, but they are best friends. It's been amazing watching their relationship grow over the past year. However neither one of them answered my question, "Who said 'I love you' first." 😉
Morgan and I shared parts of our stories that they didn't really know. I shared about my home life from years ago and some things I struggled with growing up. I shared about how much the Heart Conference helped me open wounds I covered up and a talked about a few of what those wounds were. I talked about how much I love KCP and how much more connected I am with my group. Morgan talked about her emotional story. There were parts that I didn't even know. We were all crying because she's just such a strong-willed person. I'm blessed to call her my best friend.
Around 3:40p, Tyler looked at the time and said, "I'm actually meeting someone for a business meeting in a minute. His name is Ian. Y'all can meet him." Just as he said this, some young guy popped his head up from the table behind us. Tyler invited him to the head of our table. We sat around getting to know each other even more. Ian was very well put together. He was very mature for his age. He was also from Columbus, Georgia and was living in Nashville.... like wait what? That's 90 mins from me. How is it that we just got connected? What a small world. I kept telling Tyler that he needs to work with this guy on whatever business they propose. We all liked him.
Tyler and Brey had an event they needed to go to, so they opened their gifts before heading out. They LOVED them! Apparently we know them so well that everything we gave was spot on! I gave Brey a mug with a picture of Atlanta, that she took. I gave her a pair of socks that say, "If you can read this, bring me some wine." She told us that she actually use to collect socks. We all looked at her like she was weird. We've all done weird things, right? While shopping for their gifts, I had asked what her favorite snack was, and got some dark chocolate almond bark with sea salt, along with the salted caramel almonds that she said she's never tried. I gave her a frame that says, 'love strong, worry less, laugh often'. She said, "I need to take this everywhere I go." I gave Tyler the list mug (watch the video if you don't know what the list is. It fits him perfectly). I gave him a frame that says, 'happiness in the journey.' Pretty sure that one hit him hard because his reaction to it was sarcasm. Morgan gave them matching Nike jackets. She gave Brey some workout gear and a flannel. To which Tyler said, "I love girls in the Nashville look." She gave Tyler some shirts we all know he loves and the fedora that hides the man bun. We both got Tyler gift cards to Home Depot and look forward to the tables with benches he's going to build us. 😜 I think the best gift was the ornament I had made. I had no idea it was their favorite picture, let alone their first ornament. It was amazing to see how they reacted to that.
The most humbling part about all of this was for them to be able to listen and respond. There was no judgement, but pure love for each other at that table. I'm actually crying right now writing this paragraph, for "things I learned this weekend" details that I'll write in later. But to know that they support us in everything we do and encourage us to "just keep swimming" through this "shitshow of life", is overwhelmingly emotional to me.
Leaving Dose, Morgan and I felt so inspired and refreshed. We tried to process everything that just happened. But it was hard because we had already kind of processed it all. I wouldn't have wanted to experience that day with anyone else but Morgan. And might I add, that I did not tell them I was bringing Morgan. She was another one of my gifts. They were so surprised to see her!
We went out to Germantown to have a deep dish Chicago style pizza. Sooooooo muuuuuch cheeeeese. I had the idea to go find Christmas lights. I didn't tell her what were were doing until we drove past the Opryland Resort to see an insane amount of traffic on the exit. I said, "NOPE! That won't be fun." I don't do standstill traffic very well. We ended up driving back to the hotel.
After I washed my face and was about to settle back into bed, Morgan said, "You'll never guess what I just found out." Morgan was suppose to leave after church on Sunday to see her nieces in a church performance. She got word that it wasn't at 6p, but at 11a and she needed to be there at 9a to sing. I was sad that she left but I know how important her nieces are to her. She told me that she started to turn around and come back but turned back around. She ended up having one of the best days with her family. Her nieces mean the world to her and she really inspires me to want to be there for Melissa (my niece). Tyler also inspired me to really love on Melissa, when I asked him about his nephew, Christian.
Side story: Usually when I go to see Melissa, I only stay for a few minutes and leave. When I did that the other day, Jennifer asked me why I always leave her so suddenly. It really hit me hard and I ended up staying longer than anticipated. I helped her pee and it made me so proud to be her aunt. I'm going to continue to just love on her until I leave and every chance I have after that.
I thought about driving to Morgan's on Monday and drive home on Tuesday. I went back and forth with saying yes. But I didn't go because I have a lot to do here this week. I miss her omg.
SUNDAY
JOURNAL: WOW. It's been one year since my life was changed because of YOU!! I know I still struggle, but I want to try to set all of that aside today and just thank You for showing me grace. Thank You for showing me forgiveness. Thank You for continuing to write my story. I don't want to feel stressed today. I want to give You all the glory. It's been a year. An emotional year. A life changing year. A year of pursuing faith. I can't wrap my head around it. I don't even think I'm supposed to. Today is going to be an emotional day but I'm ready.
I was going to be hanging out with my friend, Jami all day, starting with church. I was going to head out to a coffee shop to sit for a while, around 8a, before church started at 9a. I walked outside to find snow........ on the ground..... on Grace..... I posted it on my snapstory (alishamarie1993). I'm an idiot. It's also funny: https://youtu.be/YmSlX4mh9Mo
The church is not your typical church. It was actually at the Cannary Ballroom (music venue). I'm not going to go into details about it, but I really loved it! Feel free to check out their website: http://www.ethoschurch.org
I was incredibly moved by the service. It was about the advent of love. We were in Psalm 2. Here are a few notes: "Love has this gravitational force that pulls you into places you'd never thought you'd be."//"Love sometimes has the power to pull you lower."//"In relationships with one another, have the same mindset and attitudes of Jesus Christ."//"The life of Jesus is an invitation."//"Things Jesus lost when He left heaven: He lost not of His divineness, but all of His privileges. He lost His sensory pleasures (taste, smell, touch of heaven)."Why would He let go of heaven? The answer is because of You."//"You can't see what God sees when He looks at you." I know that was more than a few notes, but they were so important.
We had a communion, and then a little more worship. They played 'Came to my Rescue' and I joyfully worshiped and let Him move me. I cried, a lot. I didn't want it to end. I haven't worshiped like that in so long. I missed it and realized how much I loved it! I use to sit in the front so I wouldn't see people turning around to look at me. I use to dance my heart heart out. This wasn't quite like that, but it was still pretty awesome.
Jami and I went to a restaurant called the Tavern. We had red. velvet. waffles. WHOA SO GOOD!! We talked about so much about everything. She's such an awesome person. She's another person who has really encouraged me to make this move. She actually packed up EVERYTHING and moved down here, several years ago. It wasn't easy for her but God walked her through it. She reminded me about how God gives us free will and that He will always be there, every step of the way. If I find out that I don't like Nash, I can move back.
We went out to the Green Hills mall to kill time before the movie we were going to see. It was comical to walk into a store and pour myself a glass of champagne. Jami said, "You know this is the expensive mall when that lady's coat is probably made of real fur." I purchased some last minute gifts for my family and then we went to see La La Land. I was surprised to know how good it was. I recommend it!
Jami took me back to my car and I did not use a GPS to drive back to my hotel. I took a long bath, relaxed, and packed up a majority of my stuff. I also recorded this: https://youtu.be/pXBxUQJTbEk
MONDAY
I woke up to watch this encouraging vlog from Tyler: https://youtu.be/3XebUrfa2Rs. I've known that he takes Sunday's off for a while. I've wanted to do the same. I just haven't yet. I think that's something that's really important to do. Disconnect to reconnect.. To answer the purpose question, I think my purpose for the next week is to just be with my family and love them as much as I can. I think that's my purpose until I move.
I packed up my car, checked out of the hotel and went to Crema to sit for an hour. I had to wait for the Soda Parlor to open up at 11a to exchange shirt sizes.
JOURNAL: What a blessing this trip has been. I've learned so much about myself. I learned that I can love people. I learned that I am able. I'm not really emotional about leaving Nashville, but I'm emotional about all the good that has happened while I've been here. I'm moving here because I feel a sense of security within myself. I'm moving here because I feel so much more happiness with myself and just being in Tennessee. I'm moving here because I already have a little support system. I'm moving here because you've placed these passions and desires in my heart and I have yet to act on them.
I drove out of Nashville with a heavy heart of happiness and gratitude for the connections I made while I was there. When you drive for four hours, you have a lot of thoughts. And after sitting here for five hours, determined to finish this, with the thoughts still fresh on my mind, I'm still overwhelmed with emotions.
THINGS I LEARNED THIS WEEKEND
When I was talking with Morgan Sunday night, I realized that I can actually love people. I can actually connect with people. I've been so selfish and self-centered and close-minded to the world around me, I haven't stopped to even look at people and their needs. I now have a sense of love for so many people and half of them don't even know how I truly feel about them yet. If you're reading this, I trust you enough to share these experiences with you. This means I love you a lot and we can talk details later.
Dad, I love you more now than I ever have in 23 years. I'm currently learning life lessons you've been teaching me for a while. And I know you're worried and you wish that I was in a more secure state for myself, but this is God moving through me. I've never felt this before. I'd love your support and encouragement throughout this process. I don't know what it's like to be a parent but you and I both know what it's like to be unhappy. I don't want to look back on my life and regret the things I didn't do. I have to let God lead me through this and I want to be open with you about all of it as much as possible.
I took an hour detour to have a late lunch with my cousin, Shannon. We never got to know each other. We joked about how we only see each other twice a year and that's pretty much it. But I'm making it a point to try to visit her at least once a month. Family is a priority.
My goal this year was to make friends and to work on my faith. I've connected with so many people who have been brought to me because of our connection to faith. I will continue to move on to better and be love. Love God. Love people.
"Our soul waits for the Lord; He is our hope and shield. For our heart is glad in Him because we trust in His Holy Name. Let Your steadfast love be upon us, O Lord, even as we hope in You."
*PSALM 33:22*
