I'm No Longer Feeling 22

My birthday is tomorrow, May 26th. I'll be honest, I'm not a fan of Taylor Swift, but I love puns and I love making references. So her song, "22", has been my anthem for the past year. I'm sure it's every 22 year old's song. However now, "What's My Age Again", by Blink 182, will be my anthem. "Nobody likes you when you're 23." Is the line that really sticks out. I use it as sarcasm because I know I'm loved by many. 

In the past year, I went to twelve concerts, met a few of my Internet friends, took four road trips, got fired from my job, was given a car by my amazing parents, forgave some people that I was bitter towards, and most importantly I started my journey of faith. This past year has been one of the most hardest years I've ever been through. Sure, at 22, you're thinking, "You're gonna have years more difficult than this one." Even though I'm not expecting it, I do look forward to them. I have learned more about myself in the past year, than I ever have. I'm still learning and want to know more. However I cannot do that without the help of my friends, family, and the grace of God.

If you're wondering why I haven't posted a blog in a while, it's because I started a personal journal that I write in daily. I'm more honest with myself when I know only I, or my CLOSEST friends/family, will see it. There's something much more powerful when you physically write what you feel rather than typing it. I suppose it's the same, yet it's different. I encourage y'all to start a journal. You'll be surprised to know how freeing it is when you do!

I think the most important thing I've learned recently is that feelings are not facts. However within feelings, are facts with reasons behind them. Every time I tell myself that I'm feeling something, I ask myself, "Am I exaggerating this? Do I really feel this way? Do I feel sorry for myself?" I quickly stop and continue talking or writing it out.

For this blog, I really just wanted to give you all a quick update. I've learned that not everyone needs to know every part of my story. There have been some things that I have posted before to get attention. I'm doing everything I can to not be that person anymore. I've realized that it was incredibly draining. I've learned to be more honest with myself and those around me. Though I may still be opinionated, I am learning to think before I speak. I'm needing to be vulnerable with myself before I'm able to move on.

God does not want you to live in your shame. He wants you to bring it to the light. He knows everything you're going through and there is no reason to hide it. Be honest with yourself and be mindful of Him.

"When I look at Your heavens, the work of Your fingers,
the moon and the stars, which You have set in place,
what is man that You are mindful of him,
and the son of man that You care for him?" 
-PSALM 8:3-4

Just Listen

"I am writing to you, dear children, because your sins have been forgiven on account of His name. I am writing to you, fathers, because you know Him who is from the beginning. I am writing to you, young men, because you have overcome the evil one. I write to you, dear children, because you know the Father, I write to you, fathers, because you know Him who is from the beginning. I write to you, young men, because you are strong, and the word of God lives in you and you have overcome the evil one." -1 John 2:12-14

"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." -1 John 1:9

I was deeply encouraged by a fellow YouTuber that I look up to, to go somewhere and rest while God speaks to me. She said, "The beauty about Jesus is that there actually isn't work or pressure that we need to feel or have on ourselves. All we need to do is be with Him, lean into Him, and trust Him. The more we focus on who Jesus is, the more we transform into who He created us to be." So I went over to Hay's Mill Creek with my Bible and was led to a spot where I could see the small waterfall. As I was searching for this perfect spot, my heart was racing. For some reason, I was nervous. I didn't know what to expect. I sat for a while, read the two verses above and thought to myself, okay, what's next? It was hard for me to focus. My mind kept wandering. So I wrote this down:

What am I worried about? Why can't I sit still, focus, and stop letting my mind wander on the things that already distract me? Am I expecting something to happen when it probably won't? Am I putting too much faith in all of this? But isn't that what I'm suppose to be gaining; more faith? "Just listen."

I stopped writing, put my Bible to the side, closed my eyes, and listened. At first, all I heard was the rushing water, until I began to hear Him. "I made this for you. You are loved. The birds are singing sounds of glorious music. The water is roaring. I can calm it." It was like He was reading something from Psalms. It was so poetic and so peaceful. "Open your eyes." I looked around to see that the creek looked more beautiful that it had before. The words, "You are not alone. You are mine," echoed through my head as tears started to flow. He is here and I have to trust in Him to be able to fully believe in it.

I was able to see a woman I respect and love so much, today. I haven't really talked to her in about three years. We discussed everything between my family, leaving the church, taking the time to find a new church, college, motivation, life, and faith. I have definitely needed a mentor in my life, especially now. Not just someone from the internet, but a REAL person. She encouraged me so much today by just listening and giving me back true wisdom.

I left the creek with this thought in mind: If you don't work for something, you'll never be motivated to do anything. So I have to keep pursuing Him. I have to continue to seek peace within myself so I can become closer to Him.