"Why do you bottle things, honey? Just cry and let it out. Just start writing and empty your heart and mind on the papers. You know how good that makes you feel."
-The words of a good friend, a few weeks ago.
Well here I am with a new blog, after months of holding so much in. I'm going to try to make myself feel better by writing it out. I know I could talk to God and let it go, but that's hard for me to do. I haven't really talked to Him in a while. I'll just make this an "update blog".
At the end of August, I was able to go on a last minute trip to Nashville. The timing was absolutely perfect because I had been wanting to visit, for a while. A friend invited me to see Ben Rector. Other than the show, I didn't plan anything. I asked God to lead me and to show me what He had in store. I had been struggling with holding expectations of things and being disappointed when it didn't really go my way. So it was kind of weird to not be in control.
On the drive up, I was listening to Lindsey Stirling's new album, 'Brave Enough' (I listened to this the most while I was on the trip. So when I listen to it now, I think about it). I stopped at Lookout Mountain in Chattanooga. After that, I walked downtown for lunch then I continued on my way. It was a great drive. When I got to Nashville I felt so at peace. Something inside of me felt so incredibly comfortable. I should tell you, that I visited Broadway Street on the way to St. Louis, last December. I was always drawn to the city, even though Broadway is really shitty and too touristy. I just did not feel like a tourist when I arrived. I felt like I really belonged there. So I went into the Frothy Monkey in downtown, enjoyed a lavender latte (weird right? It was.) and rested before making my way to my friend's house in Brentwood.
I woke up extremely early on Saturday. There was so much to explore and I was really excited! I still didn't really have a solid plan. So I drove to Dose to have a breakfast bagel and fell in love with their vanilla bean latte. After that, I went to Broadway Street to try to film a video on the Pedestrian Bridge and get souvenirs. I never recorded anything because I didn't feel inspired. I also felt like people were judging me by saying, "Oh look, another broke musician in Nashville." I just felt really uncomfortable and left.
After meeting with Jackie, my friend and I walked around the park, and then made our way to the amphitheater to see Ben. Instead of boring you with emotional, yet incredible concert details, I'll just leave this link here: https://www.instagram.com/p/BJpAwJYDGH6
On Sunday, we woke up and went to the Barista Parlor to have a biscuit and a latte before church. "Being intentioned for ministry is nothing without being positioned for ministry." When the service was over, there was a dry erase board that said, "Reclaiming a life without", I wrote 'expectations'. After church, we drove back to Brentwood, I packed my stuff, and went to have lunch with a musician/Internet friend, Caroline and her girlfriend. We talked about life, family, a bit of politics, music, and memories. It was a great time.
When I left lunch, I realized that I still hadn't recorded a video like I wanted to. So I went to the Bicentennial Park and filmed. It turned out bad, but I was inspired and uploaded it anyway. I knew I had to go, so I went back to Dose and got [my first iced] vanilla bean latte. As soon as I walked out the door, I was crying. Just thinking about it now, makes me emotional. I was hysterically crying. Honestly, I really didn't think I'd get so attached to this place, but I did and had to force myself to leave.
You see, these tears were actually tears of regret. In between June and July, the coffee shop I was working at closed, and though I had signed another year onto my lease, I was able to opt out of it. Even though I was unemployed, and had a month to move out, I was going to take the $200 I had and move to Nashville with it. Since that wasn't very wise, dad talked me out of it, and I was able to opt back in to staying another year before the official deadline and plan to move there next July. That emotional breakdown in Nashville, was me realizing that I should have risked everything, and was God's way of saying, "It's okay that you didn't move but you have to take the next leap of faith that I put in front of you."
To continue on with my struggle of expectations, the only real expectation I had while on the trip, was to get home alright. After coming out of Chattanooga and into Georgia, traffic was backed up. I got off on the exit to get to Summerville, and felt like my GPS could lead me home from there. I didn't turn where I needed to and ended up in the middle of nowhere with no service somewhere on HWY 100. I figured if I keep going south, I'll get somewhere close. Sure enough, I ended up going straight through Rome. I was familiar with Rome, since Marybeth (my stepmom) is from there. I knew God was telling me that I can't expect anything on my own.
Now, I know I just went into a long detailed story about my Nashville trip that could be its own blog. But I was thinking about it and realized that the trip really plays a significant part of my life. But even since the trip, I still haven't "figured it out yet". I mean has anyone my age really figured it out? I just wish I had taken the risk and moved when I had the chance. It really discourages me that I didn't. It makes me think that I won't ever be able to take a leap of faith when the time comes. I know the enemy is filling my head with those thoughts. It's just hard to let it all go.
Last month, I got a new tattoo. A tattoo I had been wanting since last December. I started to write a blog about it on the day I got it. However, I never got past this: "There's a story behind this tattoo. I wouldn't get a one that doesn't have a significant meaning to my life. However this particular tattoo represents a story that is still being written. It represents my testimony. It represents a powerful feeling of relief. This tattoo represents the freedom Jesus. shed on the Cross." While I was writing it seemed forced and fake, so I decided not to continue it until I was ready.
On December 2nd, 2015, I experienced the power of forgiveness from someone I hurt. That person is Tyler Ward. I asked him to write out "forgiveness" because it seemed to be the theme of our lives, at the time. He spelled it wrong at first, and took nine months to rewrite it.
In all honesty, I'm glad it took nine months. It gave me time to let go and forgive some people I needed to. It gave me time to forgive myself of things I've done in the past. Although I haven't completely forgiven myself, this tattoo is my reminder that I am forgiven because of Jesus. Whenever I do experience the complete freedom of forgiveness, my tattoo will tell a story of this past year where I started growing in my faith.
For the past month, I've been involved in a small community group with folks from my church. Tonight, a friend shared something she's been struggling with, that I've been able relate to for the past few months. When you question your faith, it's dangerous.
Something I've been struggling with, is wanting God. I need that desire to want Him. But I'll be honest, I really haven't been working towards getting to know Him. I've always known what to do, but I struggle with finding the steps to work on things. I struggle with finding and trusting people who will hold me 100% accountable. I struggle with opening up, especially in the wrong moments or with the wrong kind of people. I struggle with reading the Word. I struggle with writing in my journal that I use to take everywhere with me. I struggle with feeling the need to be accepted. Recently, I've started to look at my body and hating it. I was working out for a short time, but IO got bored with it and became lazy [again]. I've started seeking attention from a guy in my past that I need to let go of, but don't want to. I've been drinking again. I struggle with loneliness, which is why I go over to my parent's house every single day. And even though music is a huge part of my life, I've lost any and all inspiration to play. I've lost the inspiration to even write anything. I miss being as happy and confident as I once was.
I know I just got really depressing in that last paragraph, but through all of these struggles, I know Jesus was sent here to save me so I wouldn't have to struggle through these things. But that's actually the part of forgiveness that I have yet to grasp a hold of. I have all of these reminders around me that I don't really remind myself of.
I just thought of the 'Desert Song' and I think that's where I'm going to end this blog. There are highs and lows. There are times where I'm going to feel like I'm worthless to my faith. And through these desert times, I have to know that God is here and that He is reason to remain faithful through everything. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZlgUUeQh0CQ