Open Prayer

All of the memories inside of my head are Yours. All of the moments I live through are Yours. All of the struggles I have been through were forgiven. So why do I get inside my head and get distracted from the progress I’ve made with You? Sure, I am human. I was never meant to be perfect. But how can I prevent myself from continuing to stray away?

When I first started to find my faith again, the story of the Prodigal Son kept showing up to me. When I asked You why, You said, “Because you’re not believing in it.” I keep turning away from You and trying to lead my own life, knowing I shouldn’t do that. Three weeks ago, I didn’t want anything more than You. Now I just want to be left alone by everyone.

I seem to be searching for answers without knowing the questions I need to be asking. The answers to life are written out for me in Your Word. But for some reason, I don’t have the desire to read any of it. I haven’t been able to completely trust You and this is an issue. I know You’re there. You’re waiting for me to break. You know when it will happen. Why won’t I let it?

Am I truly ready to let go of everything? I don’t even know what I’ve hidden inside. I’m killing myself slowly. I was not created to die without living. I know this road wasn’t meant to be easy. But I didn’t think I’d turn down the wrong path so many times. I cannot be left alone anymore knowing You’re there with me.

I seem to write prayers better than I can actually say them aloud to You. Perhaps someone else is struggling with the same thing. I know I’m not alone in this life, but I am alone in my head. I’m figuring this out one step at a time and I keep tripping over my feet. I’m sure everything will work out in the end. I just need to know where to go from here.

Incomplete

“Godly men pursue Godly women for friendships in hopes that the friendship will move towards marriage.” I went into a date with this Matt Chandler quote from “A Beautiful Design: Incomplete”.

I met Danny (sticking with Danny Padilla from my last blog to maintain privacy) the final time I downloaded Tinder, sometime back in August. We talked for a little bit, but never got to know each other further. He randomly messaged me in the middle of January and I honestly forgot who he was. I prayed about it and felt that it was right to begin getting to know him. I was already in the process of letting go and forgiving myself of past relationships, so I was a little hesitant. I didn’t want to start up something new while I had these old wounds still covered in bandages but not completely healed. I watched the ‘Incomplete’ sermon and the answer was clear to me: Let him pursue me.

I was honest with Danny from the beginning. I let him know that I’m in the process of finding myself through getting to know Jesus. He respected me and admired me for it. We got along great and connected really well. We laughed a lot and I was able to be a complete idiot with him like I am with everyone else. I was content in knowing that something was actually going right and that I was being pursued, for once. That is until things got heated, around the fifth date. We were watching ‘Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring’ because he had never seen it. His mind was obviously distracted. All we did was a middle school make out session, but it was enough to make me hate myself. The entire time, I was just praying to God, over and over, not to let anything happen. I’ve never been in an experience where my heart and mind were in agreement against something, where my body wasn’t. I interrupted him to let him know that one of the things I’ve been working on is sexual temptation and that we needed to stop. He left and I began to overthink all of the possibilities of what could have gone wrong instead of being proud of myself for handling the situation better than I ever have before.

After he left, he texted me, asking if I was okay. I wasn’t. But knowing he knew something was off and cared enough to ask, meant something to me. I called him and we talked for a good fifty minutes. I let him know that I was uncomfortable and confused. He said he will always be there for me if I ever needed someone to talk to. Even if he’s not where I am spiritually, he’ll help out in the best way he can. While talking about getting physical versus not getting physical, he mentioned the option of just trying to have sex to see if we also have a connection in that area. He knew it sounded douchey but  wouldn’t hang it over my head if it didn’t work out. I let him know that it wasn’t an option for me in my life at this time. Again, he respected it. When we got off the phone, I gave myself two options: let him go or risk having sex with him whenever I became ready. I called a friend to explain the situation to her. She said that it would be dumb to let him go if he’s respecting you, willing to work through this, and still pursue you. I was still a little sketched out. I ended up seeing him the next day and we walked around the college, just enjoying each other’s company. He didn’t stay long though.

A few days later, he wanted to see me before he left on a weekend vacation. We ended up only making out again. After he left, I was panicked. I was crying hysterically and had never wanted to let someone go more than I did in that moment. I almost called him back to talk to him about it. But instead, I called Morgan and she helped calm me down. All I wanted was more of Jesus. I felt like Danny was beginning to distract me from the progress I had made in the last five months. I wanted to tell him face to face but now I had to wait for him to get back from his trip. We were scheduled to hang out and he ended up canceling on me. I was not okay with this, since I had been holding this in all weekend. He ended up calling me and I let him go. He was thankful that I told him sooner rather than later. We’re still there for each other, but we’re no longer pursuing each other for dating purposes.

I’m not gonna lie, I miss him. However after writing this, I do see that there were some red flags that I avoided by letting him go. God let me know I was ready to date him by letting me realize that I was never really ready. Despite how you may see Danny after reading this, he is honestly a great guy. He’s just not great for me right now. It’s time to really focus on myself. This song is about not wanting to let go of Danny but doing it anyway so I can find myself through God.

Here's the link: https://youtu.be/gn-m5lNEK3M

#FabulousFebruary

The reason for this title is because Tyler Ward has dubbed this February to be a month of positivity and encouragement. However this blog will really be about the the past month or so. God is so good and I feel the need to update you as to why He is so good in my life. So much has changed in the past five months and I’m so proud to say, and so happy to see that God is officially working in my life.

I have finished the ‘Recovery Redemption’ series from Matt Chandler. When Tyler shared “The Remedy” sermon with me back in October, I watched it but didn’t really care to try to get anything out of it. After going to St. Louis, with an amazing group of women, it was clear to me that I needed to watch every sermon from the series. Each sermon hit me in the face. The way Matt teaches is straight TO THE POINT. I’m working on so much of what he says in my day to day life. I can already feel the presence of God tugging at my roots. Matt is a true man of faith and I’m glad I’m able to watch his videos.

When I lost my job, back in November, I had nowhere else to turn to. I had been thinking about restarting my relationship with God, since I saw Tyler’s shows in Atlanta and North Carolina, in October. However, I knew I wasn’t ready. It seemed like I needed something personal to affect me for me to really want Him again. That’s quite selfish, but without it, I would not have this relationship with Him today. After feeling the Holy Spirit at Tyler’s show in St. Louis, I knew, in a moment, that God was near. He was meeting me in that venue. On the drive home, Morgan was playing the Alex G Album Inspiration playlist. I was staring at a cloud for several miles, crying, because I knew I wasn’t alone. I knew God was sitting in that car with us, waiting for me to turn to Him and say, “I’m done fighting.” I did. From that moment, I began to see life in another way. I saw that my life was more valuable than I thought it was.

Whenever I’m able, I sit in complete silence, or with my worship playlist in the back, and turn everything off. I try to make it as dark as possible. I talk to God and let go of whatever is on my mind. So much freedom has already come from this. I really cherish these moments because they really help me get a deeper look into myself. I would like to share with you examples in situations where God has already changed me.

I had the opportunity to begin dating someone. For the sake of keeping his name private, I will call him Danny [Padilla] ha. When I agreed to go out with Danny, I was quite nervous about it. I really don’t want a relationship. I want to continue focusing on God. After praying about it and watching the ‘Incomplete’ sermon (from Matt’s ‘Beautiful Design’ series), I knew it would be okay. I’m generally too open and too honest with people. I’ve been honest with Danny about how I’m working on my relationship with God. Even though he’s not in the same spiritual mindset with his relationship with God, he still supports and admires me for it. God comes first. I haven’t been too open with him about personal details because he does not deserve to know everything about me at once. We’ve been dating for a few weeks and it’s going well. One quote that really stood out from that sermon is, “Godly men pursue Godly women for friendships in hopes that the friendship will move to marriage.”

If you’ve read my ‘Honesty’ blog, you’ll know that I mentioned TJ. He messaged me asking for forgiveness, the other day. The night before this, I watched the ‘Confronting and Forgiving’ sermon. During my quiet time with God, that night, I went through each of my encounters with past “relationships” and started the process of forgiving myself for each one. Not expecting the message from TJ, the next morning, I let him know that I forgave him a while ago when I let him go. I also let him know that he does not deserve a place in my life. This is one situation to show you how God is in control of timing and everything in your life. It felt good to completely forgive TJ, even if I had moved on. I think he was the one who needed closure. I shared that sermon with him and I pray that he grows in his life personally and perhaps spiritually.

The other night, I was overthinking something that I actually did right. I was going through all of the possibilities of the things that could have gone wrong instead of being proud of myself on how well the situation went. I won’t go into any details about what this was, but know that it was something that could have made a drastic setback. After calling a few friends for advice, and the person involved, I was proud of myself. I got past that one barrier and it has made me able to breathe a little easier.

I have made my goals for 2016 to be a year of finding myself through faith. I hope to find true friends to go through life with. I’m also trying hard not to voice my opinions so much. It’s okay if I have one, but I have to be aware of how I speak them and who I’m sharing them with. I’ve hurt too many people by expressing how I feel and I’m learning to be careful about it. I’m really looking forward to this year. So much is going to happen spiritually, emotionally, and mentally. I ask that if you’ve read this to please pray for me in the hopes that I continue finding myself through my faith. I love each of you amazing people. We were all put on this Earth to encourage one another and to love ourselves. “Keep your head up. You’ve got this. You’re amazing. You’re worth it.” -Tyler Ward