12/31/15
This year will be coming to a close in a few hours. I decided to clean up my clutter and go through my folder of handwritten songs, poems, and letters. I came across this letter I wrote to God on 2/19/2014. I have been at the crossroads part of my life many times. However it has been apparently clear to me that the path I choose RIGHT NOW determines everything my future holds. I wanted to type this out to simply share the similarities and differences in my life, currently.
“CONFESSIONS: I tend to express myself better when I write, so I hope this will somehow be completed. I don’t know where I am in my life. However I have somewhat come to realize I should not be in a rush to get anywhere. Although I am struggling with the fact of knowing that all I ever do is rush things.
Several of my relationships have been rushed. I get too clingy too fast. I’m somehow naturally an open person. I scare people with how open I am. I’m a very jealous person. I have several friends I wish I could be for a day. Or at least, I wish they would hang around me more. I guess it kind of falls back to a high school popularity thing, where all I want is to be liked by everyone.
I speak my mind way too much. That also goes with me being so open. I’m a very opinionated person without even gathering all of the facts. I say so much without even thinking about it. Sometimes I overthink things and bother people about what their opinions are of the kind of person I am and what their thoughts are on the situation I’m going through.
But wait a second…… From what I’ve learned in church, none of those things matter, right? I shouldn’t be blaming or doubting myself for something God has created me to be. But wait ANOTHER second….. Do I truly believe that or is it something I just heard?
YOU. This is where I am. I’m struggling in trust and doubts. I trust people and I doubt God. Has He let me down? NO! Then why do I feel so much anger towards Him? Could it possibly be that I’m jealous of Him? That’s stupid. He’s the one who’s jealous for me.
People have let me down and will continuously keep doing so, from what I “know”. God has never failed. His love just so happens to be never ending. Am I beginning to believe in Science and other people’s opinions? I’ve never read the Bible. At the moment, I have no intention of doing so either.
I thought I’ve felt the presence of the Holy Spirit on several occasions. But those experiences never leave your mind. They literally change you. All I do when I feel it, is go through the motions. I can’t stand the feeling of waiting. But I suppose that waiting on God comes with trusting Him too.
I am not a very wise person, but I know several wise people. When you’re at my age, I think we feel a sense of pressure from those of a wiser generation. For me, it’s the pressure to feel anything and the pressure to be perfect, We live in a generation where the pressure to be perfect is everywhere. But is it even possible to have a perfect relationship with God? NO! But you can strive for it. Am I right? You can tell me if I’m wrong. If anything, please do because life itself, is a learning experience.
The reason why I am writing this is because I have given up on relationships. completely. I am focusing wholeheartedly on friendships. That even includes a friendship with myself. I don’t want to rush into anything even though I’m having a hard time knowing how to not rush. That’s why I’m not rushing into a real relationship with God. I want to be able to trust Him. I feel like we have to be acquaintances first. We have to get to know each other, talk to each other, and potentially work our way into the best friendship where I am intended to fall madly in love with Him. He’s already in love with me. But I’m not quite ready to fall for Him yet.
I don’t want anyone to judge me or criticize me for this letter. It’s been on my heart for a very long time. This past year has been life changing for me and it’s all starting to sink in. I’m happy with my life choices right now. I’m also closer to some of my family because of it. I feel like I need to let go and forgive. That is the purpose of this letter.”
Oh past Alisha, you had no idea what the next 22 months would hold. As an update to anyone who is reading this, I don’t remember where I was at this point in my life. Though it is clear that I was questioning God and myself. Two months after I wrote this, I met TJ and got my heart broken. Shortly after that, I began to get back to online dating and had many hookups. I am FINALLY content on not being in a relationship with anyone but Jesus.
I’m trying not to be too hard on myself after reading this again. I’m crying while typing this, forgiving myself and telling myself that I am glad I’m still here. I’ve felt a sense of depression this year. I’ve felt isolated to no one but myself and hated myself for it. I have so many people who care about me. If you’re reading this, I know you’re one of those who care about me and I appreciate you so much.
Now that 2015 is coming to a close, I look back to see how fast this year has flown by. A lot has happened this year, however the past three months have been incredibly life changing and have made 2015 the best of my 22 years. I became an aunt to the most gorgeous niece. I took five road trips. I was the maid of honor in my sister’s wedding. I’ve seen the power of forgiveness and how it can change a person. I have experienced the love of God’s grace. I have been able to get to know myself a little more. I have made incredible friendships. The one hope I have for 2016 is to become stronger in Christ. I’m still not rushing into my relationship with Him, but I am taking it one step at a time. I know everything I have is held in the palm of His hand.
“It’s okay not to be okay, but it’s not okay to stay there.” -Tyler Ward